Too Busy for Scheduled TV Appearance

Cross-posted: Little Tiny Lies.

Today, groans erupted throughout Iraq as Saddam Hussein failed to show up for a much-touted live TV appearance. Instead, Minister of Information Saeed al-Sahaf appeared and read a letter drafted by the low-profile despot. A transcript follows.

Al-Sahaf: Our fearless leader Saddam Hussein regret he not be here today, and he provide letter which I now read to you. "Dear Subjects: Hi from Uncle Saddam in sunny Florida. I fine, not being turned into lumpy pulp by puny cruise missile or anything like that. Hoping you are same. Uday and Qusay here too and send hugs and kisses. Uday say he miss him 'peeps' and hope to rape them again real soon.

I not know what are 'peeps.'

Sorry I not there in person. As you know, this spring break, and I not letting vacation be ruined by silly infidels, Allah rot their intestines and Lyme disease ticks feed on their prostates. When invasion start, kids and I already booked for trip to Florida, and you know what it like to exchange nonrefundable ticket. I try. I hold bloody phone for hours waiting for Expedia customer service, listening to bloody Bee Gees, but finally I lose patience and shoot phone.

We fly to Fort Lauderdale and Delta lose bloody bags. May thousand djinns dance in their sphincters with football shoes. Girl at counter offer $750 per bag, like that going to pay for new anthrax and AK-47. I want to shoot her, but Qusay not let me, and besides, AK-47 on way to Denver.

This all I need after twelve hours of Uday asking "are we there yet?" until Saddam's ears bleed. And Uday and Qusay fight whole time. "Papa, Uday make faces at me." "Papa, Qusay touching me." Ymam tell Saddam not to marry niece, but Saddam, he young, he know everything. He now sorry for shooting Ymam in knees.

Bloody uniforms gone, so Saddam go to Ron Jon's and buy day-glo baggies with large flowers. Clerk say Saddam 'styling.' Refuse to take Baghdad Express Traveler's Cheques because not know what 'dinars' are, but Uday staple clerk's zib to counter, and clerk change mind.

Saddam and boys take in wet T-shirt contest. Like very much, but Uday pout when not allowed to rape contestants. When return to Iraq, plan to celebrate easy victory over swine-eating infidels with nationwide wet burqa contest.

Soon tire of Fort Lauderdale and college girls who say we too hairy. Go to Disney World, home of famous large rat who wear suspenders. Mr. Toad's Wild Ride make Uday cry, but he feel better when he learn Mr. Toad not real and not eat him. Try to go on 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, but it closed again. Always same story. Qusay eat too many frozen bananas, have to make chraa behind Country Bear Jamboree.

Saddam see war news on Yankee cable and hope you not watching. All lies. Saddam complain to hotel staff because no have Al-Jazeera, voice of truth. Thank Allah for Peter Arnett. He tell it like it is. But for some reason, Saddam not see him much lately.

Saddam and boys see you soon, hope to torture and murder many who try to help coalition. Meanwhile, please fight hard and help Saddam's friends who minding store 'til he get back. Not take them prisoner, slit throats, hang in square by their ayirs. That make Saddam very mad.

Saddam send picture. Hope you like. XOXOXO. Death to the Great Satan, Bush, etc. etc."

Al-Sahaf displayed the following snapshot, which some reporters suspect has been altered:

Other reporters were suspicious because Hussein mentioned rides which closed during the first Bush administration. However Peter Arnett, now Baghdad correspondent for the Cartoon Network, immediately transmitted a report describing the letter as "genuine" and "moving."