The Command Post Op-Ed Page

Bush's Real Iraq Speech Surfaces (Satire)

This is also posted on Joe Gandelman’s blog.

Editor’s Note: President George Bush delivered a long-awaited speech in Iraq last night at Fort Bragg. Accounts of the speech were carried by news organizations and shown on television. The speech received mixed editorial reviews and was criticized by some as being dull — but The Moderate Voice has learned the REAL SPEECH was not.

A reliable source has provided TMV an exclusive video of the REAL speech delivered last night without after-the-fact editing changes. Here are excerpts which clearly show the White House had tried to make the speech livelier. These excerpts suggest the mainstream media did not tell the whole story on what President Bush said in his speech:

Text of President Bush’s speech Tuesday night at Fort Bragg, N.C., as NOT provided by the White House:

Thank you and good evening. I am pleased to visit Fort Bragg, home of the Airborne and Special Operations Forces. It is an honor to speak before you tonight and have you serve as props for me to improve my image.

Take Howard Dean. Please.

My greatest responsibility as president is to protect the American people, get my poll numbers up — and make sure that from now on I have lunch with Bill Frist at least once a week.

The troops here and across the world are fighting a global war on terror. This war reached our shores on September 11, 2001. The terrorists who attacked us and the terrorists we face murder in the name of a totalitarian ideology that hates freedom, rejects tolerance and despises all dissent.

Speaking of rejecting tolerance and despising all dissent, just attend one of my speeches. You’ll have to sign a loyalty pledge first and if you shout out anything, you’re outta there. And, by the way: no pies allowed….

To achieve these aims, the terrorists have continued to kill in Madrid, Istanbul, Jakarta, Casablanca, Riyadh, Bali and elsewhere. They won’t try anything in Bridgeport, Connecticut, because its dead enough there already.

The terrorists believe that free societies are essentially corrupt and decadent. Speaking of corrupt and decadent: What’s the latest on Tom DeLay and Randy Cunningham?

With a few hard blows the terrorists can force us to retreat. A “few hard blows”? Who put in that reference to Monica Lewinsky?

These are the jokes, guys. You’re supposed to laugh

Is this a military audience or the NAACP?

Iraq is the latest battlefield in this war. Many terrorists who kill innocent men, women and children on the streets of Baghdad are followers of the same murderous ideology that took the lives of our citizens in New York, Washington and Pennsylvania. There is only one course of action against them: to defeat them abroad before they attack us at home.

Some have made accusations against us of torture — but we have never forced anyone to listen to a lecture on psychiatry by Tom Cruise.

The commander in charge of coalition operations in Iraq, who is also senior commander at this base, General John Vines, put it well the other day. He said, “Do you know where I can get Viagra at a discount?”

Our mission in Iraq is clear. We are hunting down the terrorists. We are helping Iraqis build a free nation that is an ally in the war on terror. We are advancing freedom in the broader Middle East. We are removing a source of violence and instability and laying the foundation of peace for our children and our grandchildren. We are trying to improve our image by talking in front of a military audience. We are unleashing Karl Rove tomorrow to give a speech that will reveal that Harry Reid doesn’t wear underwear.

The work in Iraq is difficult and dangerous but not as dangerous as teaching high school.

Like most Americans, I see the images of violence and bloodshed…but enough about parental behavior at Little League games.

Every picture is horrifying and the suffering is real. But let’s not talk about those nude photos of Dick Cheney.

Amid all this violence, I know Americans ask the question: Is the sacrifice worth it? It is worth it, and it is vital to the future security of our country. And tonight I will explain the reasons why or my name isn’t Joe Lieberman.

Some of the violence you see in Iraq is being carried out by ruthless killers who are converging on Iraq to fight the advance of peace and freedom. Our military reports that we have killed or captured hundreds of foreign fighters in Iraq who have come from Saudi Arabia, Syria, Iran, Egypt, Sudan, Yemen, Libya and other nations in search of a place that serves REAL pizza.

They are making common cause with criminal elements, Iraqi insurgents and remnants of Saddam Hussein’s regime who want to restore the old order and make sure Sadaam from now on only wears boxer shorts.

They fight because they know that the survival of their hateful ideology is at stake. They know that as freedom takes root in Iraq, it will inspire millions across the Middle East to claim their liberty as well. And when the Middle East grows in democracy, prosperity and hope, the terrorists will lose their sponsors, lose their recruits and lose their hopes for turning that region into a base for attacks on America and our allies around the world — and they won’t get many presents at their bar mitzvahs.

Some wonder whether Iraq is a central front in the war on terror. Some wonder whether this recycled speech is at all necessary.

Among the terrorists, there is no debate. Hear the words of Osama Bin Laden: “The fleas in my beard are killing me” and “The whole world is watching Desperate Housewives.” He says it will end in “a ratings triumph for ABC and they’ll eventually turn it into a movie, which will have big B.O. — just like me.”

The lesson of this experience is clear: The terrorists can kill the innocent but they cannot stop the advance of freedom. The only way our enemies can succeed is if we forget the lessons of September 11, if we abandon the Iraqi people to men like Zarqawi and if we yield the future of the Middle East to men like bin Laden. For the sake of our nation’s security, this will not happen on my watch — because my watch is small and Mickey Mouse takes up a lot of space on it.

A little over a year ago, I spoke to the nation and described our coalition’s goal in Iraq and that speech wasn’t so terrific, either.

Rebuilding a country after three decades of tyranny is hard and rebuilding while at war is even harder. It requires work. Hard work. Our progress has been uneven but progress is being made. That’s hard work. We are improving roads and schools and health clinics and working to improve basic services like sanitation, electricity and water. And together with our allies, we will help the new Iraqi government deliver a better life for its citizens. That’s hard work.

Why isn’t that getting any laughs? Repeating a funny phrase works for Letterman….

Hey, Rove — who wrote this comedy material? Ralph Nader?

You guys in the front row: sit down NOW or you’ll be guilty of desertion. I still have more:

Whatever our differences in the past, the world understands that success in Iraq is critical to the security of all our nations.

As German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder said at the White House yesterday, “Heil Hitler!”

Hey, Rove: who wrote that crappy Schroeder joke? Oh. Well, next time I’LL handle Laura’s contributions….

Finally, we have continued our efforts to equip and train Iraqi security forces. We have made gains in both the number and quality of those forces. Today Iraq has more than 160,000 security forces trained and equipped for a working as telemarketers. That’s about 1/4 the number in the average American city.

Iraqi forces have fought bravely helping to capture terrorists and insurgents in Najaf, Samarra, Fallujah and Mosul — and in Sherman Oaks.

And in the past month, Iraqi forces have led a major anti-terrorist campaign in Baghdad called Operation Lightning, which has led to the capture of hundreds of suspected insurgents.

This is not to be confused with the Operation Lightning that took place in the Oval Office with women who worked on Bill Clinton’s staff. And I do mean who worked on his staff.

Hey, Rove, who wrote THAT loser? Oh. Well, tell Limbaugh his brother Dave is FUNNIER….

The progress in the past year has been significant and we have a clear path forward. To complete the mission, we will continue to hunt down the terrorists and insurgents. To complete the mission, we will prevent al-Qaida and other foreign terrorists from turning Iraq into what Afghanistan was under the Taliban - a safe haven from which they could launch attacks on America and our friends..a country named after a long haired dog…What do you mean it isn’t?

So our strategy going forward has both a military track and a political track. And believe me you’re watching the political track in frantic action right now.

The principal task of our military is to find and defeat the terrorists and that is why we are on the offense. And no adminstration has ever been as offensive as mine.

And as we pursue the terrorists, our military is helping to train Iraqi security forces so that they can defend their people and fight the enemy on their own. Our strategy can be summed up this way: As the Iraqis stand up, we will stand down. As the Iraqis get fed down, the American public gets fed up.

We have made progress but we have a lot more work to do. Hard work. Today Iraqi security forces are at different levels of readiness. Hard — hey, I TOLD you this stuff isn’t working! Next time when I want a FUNNY speech I’ll have Scalia write it!!

Where was I? Oh…

I recognize that Americans want our troops to come home as quickly as possible and for me to shut up. So does my wife.

Some Americans ask me, if completing the mission is so important, why don’t you send more troops? And I say to them: I have a better question for you. Knock Knock. Who’s there? Sadaam. Sadaam who? Sadaam shame we can’t really set a timetable on this war…

If our commanders on the ground say we need more troops, I will send them. I will send the COMMANDERS — not more troops. Just think of the backlash and poll numbers if I sent more troops now. No way, Jose.

Sending more Americans would undermine our strategy of encouraging Iraqis to take the lead in this fight. And sending more Americans would suggest that we intend to stay forever, when we are in fact working for the day when Iraq can defend itself and we can leave. As we determine the right force level, our troops can know that I will continue to be guided by the advice that matters: the sober judgment of our military leaders.

Speaking of sober: did you watch that video of Tom Delay slurring his speech the other day? It was posted on Crooks and Liars. I’d make a joke about who that site is named after but Rush and Sean wouldn’t like it.

These are JOKES, you guys.

Is this an audience or a scuplture exhibit?

The other critical element of our strategy is to help ensure that the hopes Iraqis expressed at the polls in January are translated into a secure democracy. Translation is vital — especially when I speak….

As Iraqis make progress toward a free society, the effects are being felt beyond Iraq’s borders. Before our coalition liberated Iraq, Libya was secretly pursuing nuclear weapons. Today the leader of Libya has given up his chemical and nuclear weapons programs but he won’t leggo my Eggo.

We have more work to do. Hard work — Jez, how many times did you idiots insert that phrase in this and think it’d get a laugh??

And there will be tough moments that test America’s resolve. We are fighting against men with blind hatred and armed with lethal weapons who are capable of any atrocity. Even playing Kathy Lee Gifford CDs at full blast.

They wear no uniform; they wear no socks; they wear no underwear. Hey, Karl: if that’s true then do a speech linking Reid with the terrorists. Oh. And remind me not to let Reid sit on our couch ever again….

They respect no laws of warfare or morality. Hey, they sound like my former frat brothers on party weekend!

That’s a JOKE, guys! Who booked me into THIS gig? Diane Feinstein?

They are trying to shake our will in Iraq just as they tried to shake our will on September 11, 2001. They will fail. The terrorists do not understand America. The American people do not falter under threat and we will not allow our future to be determined by car bombers and assassins. This needs to be repeated thousands and thousands of times — and I have done just that in one speech alone.

America has done difficult work before. Hard work.,,,Oh, not again!

From our desperate fight for independence, to the darkest days of a Civil War, to the hard-fought battles against tyranny in the 20th century, there were many chances to lose our heart, our nerve or our way. But Americans have always held firm, because we have always believed in certain truths. We know that if evil is not confronted, it gains in strength and audacity and returns to strike us again. We know that when the work is hard — hard w…I WON‘T SAY IT! — the proper response is not retreat, it is courage….

In this time of testing, our troops can know: The American people are behind you. Next week, our nation has an opportunity to make sure that support is felt by every soldier, sailor, airman, Coast Guardsman and Marine at every outpost across the world. This Fourth of July, I ask you to find a way to thank the men and women defending our freedom by flying the flag, sending letters to our troops in the field or helping the military family down the street. I ask you to do this for the troops. I ask you to do this because it shows I care and it can help drive my poll numbers up. And if it doesn’t Rove will be back wearing that bright uniform and hat selling corn dogs on a stick in the food court down at the mall..

I thank those of you who have re-enlisted in an hour when your country needs you. And to those watching tonight who are considering a military career, there is no higher calling than service in our Armed Forces. We live in freedom because every generation has produced patriots willing to serve a cause greater than themselves. Those who serve today are taking their rightful place among the greatest generations that have worn our nation’s uniform. When the history of this period is written, the liberation of Afghanistan and the liberation of Iraq will be remembered as great turning points in the story of freedom. And they will remember that we did hard work. CRIPES!!

After September 11, 2001, I told the American people that the road ahead would be difficult and that we would prevail. Well, it has been difficult. And we are prevailing.

Wait! We are succeeding NOW. So doesn’t that mean we’re vailing? Someone needs to work on their grammar..

Our enemies are brutal, but they are no match for the United States of America and they are no match for the men and women of the United States military. So if you hear from a pollster, tell them you support me, OK?

Thank you. And may God bless America. And Karl Rove.

Food Firm Doesn't Curry Favor With Mahatma Gandhi's Family

The family of vegetarian Indian pacifist icon Mahatma Gandhi is fighting mad over an Australian company using their beloved ancestor to sell their products and has asked the Indian government to intervene.

The firm is Handi Ghandi — “Great Curries…No Worries” and its curries reportedly include meat curries…including beef…which is a no-no for Hindus. Reuters reports:

“It’s offensive,” Tushar Gandhi, the activist’s Bombay-based great-grandson and head of the Mahatma Gandhi Foundation, told Reuters. “It goes absolutely against all his beliefs. Using his image to sell beef curries and such doesn’t gel.

“He was not a foodie.”

Indeed: Gandhi was best known for his hunger strikes.

But it probably wouldn’t be lucrative for the Australian firm to sell customers empty cartons, so they they could hold one of their own.

Although that could make a great weight reduction product.

Even so, Mahatma Gandhi — who is to India what George Washington was to the United States (one of “reborn” India’s founding fathers) — did admit to trying beef, just to see what it tasted like (he was not a beefeater after that). It’s hard for westerners to realize just how cherished the memory of Gandhi is, even though modern Indian governments have not followed his ideals of nonviolence and vegetarianism. Gandhi was assassinated in 1948.

Contacted by telephone in Australia, Handi Ghandi’s Troy Lister told Reuters “it’s not a good time to chat at the moment” and to call back Monday.

It is not clear if the company’s spelling of the name is intentional or not, but “Ghandi” is a common Western misspelling. A handi is also a popular earthen cooking pot.

Handi Ghandi’s Web site also features a line-drawing of Gandhi holding what appears to be an American-style Chinese takeout box.

What’s so commercial about that?

And what’s so offensive?

After all, the drawing of Gandhi is only holding a takeout box of food that could presumably contain the company’s meat and beef products.

Would Americans be upset if car dealerships used John F Kennedy’s image to sell convertibles?

How about Abraham Lincoln’s image over the popcorn stand at Ford’s Theater?

The copyrighted site was only partly working Friday, but Tushar Gandhi said it also included a jingle with a male voice singing, “I am Handi Ghandi, eat my curries.”

“They have tried to get somebody to sound like Ben Kingsley,” he said, referring to the actor who won an Oscar for his portrayal of Gandhi in the eponymous 1982 box office hit.

Although Gandhi’s name and image are protected under India’s constitution and national emblems laws — the same as the national flag — Tushar said he had no legal recourse in Australia, where the company is legally registered.

Reuters notes that this is not the first bro-ha-ha involving Indian icons:

Last month, a U.S.-based Indian lawyer said he would sue a California brewery for $1 billion over a beer label showing the popular Hindu elephant god Ganesh holding a beer in his trunk.

Again, what’s wrong with that?

Would some Americans be upset if a company in India sold nails with a picture of Jesus on the label holding a hammer?

Just wondering…

Dick Cheney Just Invited Me To Dinner!

I just I opened my mailbox And do you know what I found?

Vice President Dick Cheney has invited me to “join President Bush, Laura and the entire Republican Congressional leadership as they gather on the evening of June 14th here in Washington D.C…”

ME. The Moderate Voice. A little Jewish guy from Connecticut whose claim to fame is writing a blog that infuriates liberals, conservatives, Republicans, Democrats and proctologists.

I’m also a ventriloquist, but they couldn’t have invited me for that since there are already more than enough dummies in Washington. In both parties (there go my Democratic readers..)

But what got me and brought a tear to my eye was this sentence:

“And will you allow all of us to recognize and honor the important role you have played over the years?”

They must have seen my shows. My role is to play straight man to a wooden character. It’s sort of like talking to Alan Greenspan.

But that’s not what they mean:

“That night will give President Bush a chance to personally thank you (DO YOU HEAR THAT? IT HE WILL PERSONALLY COME OVER TO ME!) for your work in our 2004 re-election campaign., for helping elect Republican Majorities in the U.S. House of Representatives and Senate and for making the Republican Party America’s Majority Party.

The President’s Dinner here in Washington, D.C. is the perfect opportunity to express our gratitude publicly for all you have done, Mr. Gandelman.

Well, I did do the posts saying I thought the Swift Boats issue was an issue that shouldn’t be in the campaign and that I wouldn’t cover it (I didn’t). Of course, I also said that I wasn’t interested in questions about Bush’s military history and wouldn’t cover that (I didn’t). I wanted the issues to be issues. Ones that matter. Like policy issues. About policies. Could that be what you mean?

Or it could be my posts on Bush’s debate performances. I tried mightily to give Mr. Bush the benefit of the doubt, but in all of my posts I made it clear that when he leaves the White House the one job George Bush will not get is as a college debate instructor. In most of the debates Bush was as eloquent as a cabbage.

I don’t belong to either party. And I won’t join one again, even if I am reincarnated 50 times. Now, it’s true Democrats said this site smelled when we didn’t agree with everything they said. But, then, Republicans said this site reeked when we disagreed with them. And both sides repeatedly asked (and ask): “How can you call yourself a moderate?”

Cheney’s personal letter to me goes on and on. But then he says he needs some money from me but not to take this the wrong way because “while we will raise money toward the 2006 elections that evening, we want to use the night to recognize the vital role you and others have played in our Republican Party’s accomplishments for this great nation.”

I guess he likes our recent posts opposing the President’s stances on Terri Schiavo, the nuclear option and warning that the GOP seems in danger of losing centrists due to its obsession with catering to social conservatives at the expense of other groups.

I actually write these things on an issue by issue basis. I had no idea that in questioning the GOP and being denounced by its most fervent partisans (as I routinely am by email by Democrats who feel I am in the other camp), I was helping the Republican party. I suppose that means when I pointed out that Bob Shrum had the political smarts of a month old decaying sausage that I was helping the Democrats.

Cheney then invites me to “celebrate our Republican Party’s accomplishments” (I don’t belong to it; I’ll let that pass) in the country and in the 2004 campaign. So that means “we’re” still in celebration mode?

But there’s more.

He also informs me that there is a letter from MAJORITY LEADER BILL FRIST with details.

And, here too, Mr. Frist thanks me:”And will you also allow us to honor you, Mr. Gandelman, for your work in the 2004 election?” he asks.

I read this and blush although, again, I still don’t know what I did…

But a FREE MEAL..Honoring ME in Washington???

Oh, rats! There’s a hitch:

He mentions that the dinner is “also about passing the President’s agenda over the coming year and building lasting Republican majorities in both the U.S. Senate and the U.S. House of Representatives.”

So to attend the dinner in my honor, he’d like me to buy a ticket for $2,500 “and a table of ten is $25,000. And seating is limited.”

But if I can’t attend this dinner partly in my honor, Frist notes, I can still be National Sponsor “or even join our select group of State Co-Chairmen!”

I can be honored by giving $150 or more — which will get me “a special limited-edition, individually signed and numbered personal photograph of President and Mrs. Bush as well as a silver National Sponsor Lapel Pin” making me as “a Bush-Cheney insider.”

WHOA! If I give $150 I’m a Bush-Cheney insider. I worked with people who spent years trying to become show biz or political insiders — but here I can be honored AND for just $150 become an insider.

If I become a State Co-Chairman, I get the photo, my “own State Co-Chairman Lapel Pin” and — best of all — “a special collector’s limited edition Presidential Plate for a contribution of at least $500.”

A Presidential Plate. It’s functional. I can eat my KFC on that!

Mr. Cheney and Mr. Frist: I’m DEEPLY honored. But I’m doing my shows, I’m a zillion years behind on my paperwork, I do this blog to maintain my (limited) sanity. I simply can’t get to Washington and pay the money to have you honor me.

Here’s an idea. I’d like to honor YOU.

You come to San Diego and for just $200 I’ll buy you a combination special at Julio’s Family Mexican Restaurant on University Avenue.

I would like to honor all of YOU: for providing me with so much material on this site…and so many laughs — especially when you make promises about trying to bring the American people together.

UPDATE: The Indepundit the ever-independent Citizen Smash got an identical letter saying Cheney was honoring him (and asking for money). And, like me, he’s not a Republican.

UPDATE II: We just got an email from a good friend in Texas who is a Democrat related to a very prominent Democratic lawmaker. It seems Dick Cheney wants to honor him, too!

Hey Joe,

I really don’t mean to burst your bubble, but I… a registered Democrat…got one of Dick’s letters too. Being a Democrat, a Populist, and an unwealthy small business owner, I never even thought of inviting Dick to come to San Antonio so I could honor him for a contribution. Oh well.

I will tell you that I feel much better about my invitation knowing that you got one too. I’d hate to think that the Republican money machine only messed up once. It also proves that they really don’t care who or what you are just so long as you ante-up.

What a great country this is!

Quotes from the Joint Staff

These are from someone who was actually on the Joint Staff at one point.
Prologue:

I was the Coalition Finance Officer for OIF at the CENTCOM Coalition Coordination Center. As a result, I worked with all of the coalition governments, our embassies, lots of people in D.C., and the other combatant commanders, especially EUCOM. It was a nice job in that I was the only person doing what I was doing, and my bosses didn’t really want to get involved with the money side of the house, so they pretty much let me do what I wanted, as long as I did it right. (At one point, I was making all these calls, making lots of “drug deals” on how to deal with a several hundred million dollar pot of money where there weren’t really any procedures in place on how to deal with it, and one of my co-workers said, “Why do I have a feeling that Oliver North started the same way you are now…”.) Anyway, I made it out with my integrity intact, and in addition to having a sense in having done a little good in the GWOT, I came out of it with a really great quote log.
I’ve hesitated to use it before, since a lot of the people quoted were probably still in their jobs, but I think most of them have moved on now, so I think I’ll share some of the more interesting quotes. If you haven’t been a staff officer, they probably won’t be as funny to you as they are to me, but trust me: they are funny.

Here’s a few :

“Things are looking up for us here. In fact, Papua-New Guinea is thinking of offering two platoons: one of Infantry (headhunters) and one of engineers (hut builders). They want to eat any Iraqis they kill. We’ve got no issues with that, but State is being anal about it.”
LTC (Joint Staff) on OIF coalition-building

“Our days are spent trying to get some poor, unsuspecting third world country to pony up to spending a year in a sweltering desert, full of pissed off Arabs who would rather shave the back of their legs with a cheese grater than submit to foreign occupation by a country for whom they have nothing but contempt.”
LTC (Joint Staff) on the joys of coalition building

“That was a typo. Instead of ‘pot of money,’ it should have read ‘pot money.’ It refers to money spent by OSD after smoking a joint. We have a similar fund we can tap into for financing many of our own ideas. In fact, that’s how we got the name ‘Joint Staff.’”
LTC (Joint Staff) in an email describing the amount of money available for use on a given project

Courage!

This is how I’ll always remember him.

How

Get Ready to Bend Over, Palefaces

I am giving you all fair warning. From now on, I will be blogging a lot of Native American issues. Because I, like my hero Ward Churchill, am now a Native American.

Ward got his Indian creds by asking some tribe or other for an honorary membership. I think he offered to clean up cups and doughnut boxes after one of their meetings, and they showed their appreciation by sending him a membership card. Turns out Bill Clinton has one, too. Actual Indians say Ward’s claim is about as reliable as a treaty written on a cocktail napkin, but who are they to judge?

I can top Ward. My grandfather was a Cherokee. Now, I grant you, he wasn’t my BLOOD grandfather. And he wasn’t a full Cherokee. But he had dark hair and he tanned like nobody’s business. And like all true Native Americans, he was a professional dry cleaner.

Also, on both sides of my family, there were horny old guys who left their wives for Indian women. I can understand that. My ancestors were mostly Celts, and after a while, the sight of all that pasty, freckled, dough-like flesh can drive you mad. My idiot sister likes to run around claiming that this makes us Indians, but the problem is, the family is pretty sure the Indian ladies came along after these gentlemen sired our forebears by fat, dumpy Scots-Irish broads.

Lame, I know, but compared to Ward, I might as well be Geronimo.

Okay, so the first order of business is to ream out you WHITEYS for keeping me down. You knocked down our teepees, you ate all our buffalo, and in return, you gave us swampland and poisoned whiskey. You better believe I am pissed.

I want white guilt and handouts, NOW. I want my damn land back. I’ll let you keep most of it. I want Manhattan and Vegas. I know, you claim you bought Manhattan for twenty-four dollars. Okay, smart ass, where’s your receipt? Right. That’s what I thought.

I’m turning Vegas and Manhattan into the United States of Steve. I’m going to be President for Life. My Vice President will be Wayne Newton. All you palefaces can get the hell out, except for hot white chicks and people who provide essential services. Like craps croupiers, bartenders, and pizza bakers.

I paid $80,000 in law school tuition. Obviously, I should have had a minority scholarship, so cut me a check. Also, I have paid like $70 for fishing licenses over the years. I should not have to pay good money to catch my own fish, which you Caucasian bastards stole from me. Aside from that, any anthropologist can tell you that before you jerks got here, we Native Americans used to go out in the Gulf Stream on forty-plus-foot fiberglass sportfishermen and celebrate our manhood and the summer solstice and whatnot by getting incredibly faced and clubbing school dolphin to death. By charging me for a fishing license, you are infringing my right to paint myself up like Pam Anderson and practice silly heathen religions.

That brings me to another important point. I want five grand to cover the money I’ve spent on liquor taxes. And no wisecracks about how we love our whiskey. Bigots. How would you like a nice flaming arrow through the front door of your condo?

Speaking of liquor, I got tanked last night, passed out in the yard, and went on a Vision Quest. As I lay under the gentle spray of the automatic sprinklers, my spirit guide appeared to me once again.

GEORGE HAMILTON: [wearing the familiar fuchsia Izod caftan with the blue alligator on the tit] Steve! It is I, your spirit guide.

ME: George! Could you roll me over? Driveway gravel is embedded in my face.

GEORGE HAMILTON: [waving his magic Martini] Steve, I am here to reveal your destiny. You will be a great chief. You will lead your people to victory over the White Man and build a chain of drive-thru casinos in partnership with the folks at Sonic.

ME: My secret dream! Topless showgirls, Keno, and Cheez Tots!

GEORGE HAMILTON: Your mailbox will overflow with government wampum! You will hunt out of season, using automatic weapons! Your sons and daughters will receive affirmative action at Yale and Harvard, where they will get A’s in puff majors like Ethnic Studies and Applied Lesbianism!

ME: Truly, I am not worthy. Well, yes I am.

GEORGE HAMILTON: The great Gitchee Manitou will rain blessings upon you even as the neighbor’s Weimaraner now rains tinkle on your inebriated forehead.

ME: [singing] Gitchee gitchee ya ya da da…Creole Lady Marmalade…

GEORGE HAMILTON: I must go now, as Liz Taylor and I are booked to share a tanning bed.

ME: As-salaam aleikum, my brother.

GEORGE HAMILTON: Whatever.

Okay, whiteys, time to pony up the jack. In return, I will spare you come the revolution, and I will honor you by deflowering your daughters. The hot ones with big tasty boobs, I mean. The rest will be put to work tanning my pelts and vacuuming my lodge.

And no turning Indian and horning in on my action! I thought of it first.

CBS Unable to Authenticate Soldier's Kidnapping

Here’s the AP Headline :

Claims of GI Hostage in Iraq Raises Doubt

A line from the story :

If proven a fake, Tuesday’s posting would not be the first hoax associated with kidnappings in Iraq…

And here’s the associated pictures :

Dan Rather is hoping for an interview with the family soon. See also TCP Iraq Article.

Michael Chertoff, Director Of Homeland Security, Who Is He?

So this fellow Michael Chertoff has been selected as the new Director of Homeland Security.

Lee from Right Thinking From The Left Coast asks "who?"

I thought the same thing. To fill us in on who this fellow is, we go around the web. These are only excerpts, you should really go read the whole entry.

Outside The Beltway

I don't know enough about Chertoff's history to know how solid a choice he is. His résumé is fairly impressive--a Harvard Law grad and former clerk for Supreme Court Justice William Brennan. The latter is interesting, as Brennan was perhaps the most liberal justice on the court during the 1970s and 1980s.

PoliBlog

Apparently, however, part of the new job description includes a bald pate and facial hair.

Maybe the President meant to pick this guy all along and told Card to "pick the bald guy with the mustache" and he accidentally got Kerik.

Michelle Malkin

Judge Michael Chertoff for DHS chief? It's good news. Yes, it is annoying to hear President Bush emphasize that Chertoff is "against racial profiling." But a look at Chertoff's strong, aggressive record and statements on homeland security shows that Chertoff supports exactly the kind of hard-headed, threat profiling measures and immigration enforcement opposed by the anti-profiling zealots.

Ramblings'Journal

Judge Michael Chertoff, the man who headed the Senate's Whitewater investigation has been tapped to head up the Department of Homeland Security.

Chertoff will replace the original choice of the White House, Bernard Kerik, who withdrew his name last month amid the emergence of his having employed an illegal alien as a nanny.

Rooftop Report

The five second version of the upcoming debate:

Right: He is great. The best person ever. He will own the position like nobody else could. If it wasn't this, we would elect him President.

Left: Leader of Homeland Security? Please, this guy can barely walk straight. He may or may not advocate torture, killing of puppies, and bombing of retirement homes.

SlantPoint

Who is Michael Chertoff? Former chief of the DOJ's Criminal Division, and most recently a judge (that skated through the Senate process 88-1) for the 3rd Circuit Court of Appeals. A living Law and Order guy I guess you could say.

So what have we learned by going around the web to find out who this guy is?

1) Lee at Right Thinking From The Left Coast doesn't know who he is.

2) He was a liberal justice in the 70's and 80's.

3) He is bald with facial hair.

4) Michelle Malkin thinks he's cute and approves of him.

5) Chertoff doesn't hire illegal aliens to be his nanny.

6) He can barely walk straight, likes to torture and kill puppies and on his off time bombs retirement homes, but he'd make a good president.

7) Unlike his former co-star on Law and Order, Chertoff is alive.

Originally posted at Diggers Realm

Arafat's Final Frontier

A stirring anthem in tribute to Yasser Arafat’s Peace Prize, his condition in the last few days, and the continued announcements that he was still alive.

From the crew of the Enterprise.

Palestinian Minister of Denial denies his recent appointment

RAMALLAH (Command-Post.org) - Minister of Denial Mohammed Durka spent his first press conference vehemently denying his recent appointment as Minister of Denial.

“I am not the Minister of Denial!” shouted Mohammed Durka to reporters. “There is no such thing as the Ministry of Denial! We deny any and all reports of its existence or my appointment as its minister!”

According to reports from unnamed sources, all of which were denied by Minister Durka at the press conference, The Ministry of Denial was formed by Achmed Queri and Mahmoud Abbas after they agreed that there needed to be a central authority from which Palestinian denials were issued. Both were concerned about a lack of credibility of their joint temporary administration due to a wide range of conflicting press reports and denials from various sources within their administration.

By centralizing the denial process, they are hoping to restore credibility in their authority, which will be crucial when Palestinian Authority and PLO Chairman Yasser Arafat is officially declared deceased.

Mohammed Durka is well-versed and experieced in the art of denial, having served at the United Nations as a cultural attache for several years. He then acted as a spokesman for Yasser Arafat’s varied and diverse security organizations, all of which he regularly denied were involved in terror operations against Israelis.

When asked about his plan to contain the damage from conflicting reports regarding Arafat’s near-death or his wife’s refusal to allow PLO figures to ascertain the situation themselves, Durka denied any such plans existed. “There are no plans! There is no Ministry! There is no Minister!”

Left Stepping up Efforts to Cut Off Nose, Spite Face?

Being Right This Often Almost Hurts

I finally figured out who Paul Krugman reminds me of. Have you seen the film Erik the Viking? It was actually pretty good, even though it featured Oedipus Tim Robbins. Who was the worst actor in the cast.

Anyway, it was about a bunch of vikings trying to end Ragnarok, which was a miserable period during which there was universal suffering and despair and the sun never shone. Sort of like the Clinton years.

The vikings sailed off in a little boat, with the intention of meeting Odin and having a chat with him. Much like Kerry calling Clinton in the hospital prior to his bypass.

There was one traitor in the crew; an arms merchant named Loki. He wanted to keep Raganarok going because it was good for business. Sort of like Michael Moore secretly rooting for Bush. Now, I don’t know if you saw this guy, but he was Krugman’s evil twin. Oops, oxymoron. Okay, “twin.” He was a weasely little guy who told horrendous lies while grinning hopefully and peering impishly at the suckers to see if they were buying it. If you’ve seen Krugman’s act on video, you will be stunned by the resemblance.

I realize LoTR fans will disagree violently, claiming Krugman is more like Wormtongue. However, Wormtongue stood up straight and bore a lot less resemblance to a young garden gnome. Look, I don’t care if you disagree. Go back to AIM and having cybersex in Elvish, you lunatics. I got your ring of power, and guess where I’m wearing it.

Today, Krugman is squeaking again, doing his valuable work for the GOP. He just wrote another blistering fantasy piece for the Times. The title? “No Surrender.” God, I love this guy. How much is Karl Rove paying him?

Yesterday, I correctly noted that benighted Internet socialists were predictably responding to America’s wholesale rejection of their twisted extremist values…by embracing those values even more tightly. This is like falling into the pool and asking someone to throw you a concrete lawn jockey. And Krugman is throwing with both hands.

Excerpt (swallow coffee now):

President Bush isn’t a conservative. He’s a radical - the leader of a coalition that deeply dislikes America as it is. Part of that coalition wants to tear down the legacy of Franklin Roosevelt, eviscerating Social Security and, eventually, Medicare. Another part wants to break down the barriers between church and state. And thanks to a heavy turnout by evangelical Christians, Mr. Bush has four more years to advance that radical agenda.

The guy who held onto Clinton holdover George “Dude, Where’s My WMD’s?” Tenet? A radical conservative. The guy who gave us increased socialism for wealthy seniors who don’t feel like paying for medical care? A radical conservative. The guy who infuriates Republicans by signing every spending bill he can get his hands on? A radical, radical, BAD old conservative.

But then to Paul Krugman, Barney Frank is a radical conservative.

Quoth Loki:

I don’t hope for more and worse scandals and failures during Mr. Bush’s second term, but I do expect them.

1. You damn well DO hope for them.

2. “More”? More scandals? Have we had a scandal YET? Well, there was the time Bush’s dog pooped on camera during a press conference. But so far, his administration has been marked by a conspicuous absense of scandal. Abu Ghraib? Is that what you’re talking about, Krugs? That’s not a scandal. That’s a military screwup. That’s the unfortunate nature of the armed services. Overall, they’re wonderful, but there’s a reason the acronym “FUBAR” originated among our troops.

The left has attempted to excrete a number of bogus Bush scandals, and so far, it has found itself woefully constipated. “Enron”? Uh, they made huge contributions to Democrats, including Joe Lieberman. And Terry McAuliffe made $18 million off of Global Crossing. “Yellowcake”? Turned out Bush was right about that, and Hussein had around 500 tons of the stuff.

Wait, maybe you’re talking about the Plastic Turkey. Which betrayed the left by turning out to be a real turkey. That was a real black eye for Bush, wasn’t it? The man picked up a decorative turkey and pretended to SERVE it, but he was really only HOLDING it. AHA! Impeachment? Screw that; let’s have a summary execution.

What? He didn’t pretend to serve it? The press made that part up? Um…ENRON! ENRON! CHENEY’S DAUGHTER IS A LESBIAN!

Ha! Talk your way out of THAT, neocons.

More:

Those people still have Mr. Bush’s ear, and his election victory will only give them the confidence to make even bigger mistakes.

Damn, I hope so. I hope he mistakes his way into another ten Senate seats. I keep hearing this sentence in my mind: “I was with them when they blundered into Berlin in 1918.”

Yet more:

One faction of the party is already calling for the Democrats to blur the differences between themselves and the Republicans. Or at least that’s what I think Al From of the Democratic Leadership Council means when he says, We’ve got to close the cultural gap.” But that’s a losing proposition.

You know it, Krugsy. Testify. You know who you need to run next time? Rosie O’Donnell and Ol’ Dirty Bastard. No, I’m not referring to Bill Clinton again. O’DONNELL/BASTARD ‘08! R. Kelly can be the new Secretary of Education. You know how he likes hanging around schools.

Can you believe this nut? He’s a gift straight from anthropomorphic, Judeo-Christian, Eurocentric, patriarchal, homophobic God. I’d trade ten Bill Safires for one Paul Krugman, and I’d throw in a six-pack of Cal Thomases. The Democrat Party is on life support, and Krugman is standing on the oxygen hose.

Here, look:

Democrats shouldn’t cave in to Mr. Bush when he tries to appoint highly partisan judges - even when the effort to block a bad appointment fails, it will show supporters that the party stands for something. They should gear up for a bid to retake the Senate or at least make a major dent in the Republican lead. They should keep the pressure on Mr. Bush when he makes terrible policy decisions, which he will.

Wow, Paul, how do you come up with these ingenious plans? Opposing conservative judicial appointees…it’s crazy, but they just might go for it! And running candidates for Senate…it’s so wacky, so unprecedented…the GOP will never see it coming! Hey, here’s a nutty idea: what if the Democrats nominate a candidate and run him for President! Don’t laugh! It could work!

It would be funny if the Democrats were responding to their third ass-kicking in four years by offering more of the same. But moving even farther to the left…that’s downright hysterical. If they keep it up, during the next round of elections, we’re going to see street nuts in San Francisco telling reporters, “We have to get rid of these liberal head cases before they ruin the country.”

No surrender, Paul! Stick to your guns! Well, you can’t have a gun, because you live in a hive of demented socialists, but you know what I mean. Stick to your rape whistle! Or whatever.

The problem isn’t the product, Democrats. It’s the customers. All you have to do is convince 60% of Americans to adopt a political stance that repels them the way success repels Bob Shrum.

Next time around, let’s not whine about left-wing PAC’s and 527’s. Let’s send them all the support we can. The lemmings are boogying into the sea to the derivative beat of Bruce Springsteen; let’s build them a nice ramp.

November Contest will bring Australia to a Stop

The German Picture Magazine “Bild” has covered the US election - and endorsed Bush.

The UK “Guardian” has infamously tried to sway the vote against Bush in a battleground state.

But neither the UK, nor Germany can possibly match the intense excitement that all Australians feel at what’s going to happen on November 2nd, 2004. This contest is one of the most important events this year from Australia’s viewpoint, and many Australians would say it’s more important than our own elections, held in October.

Australians everywhere will be glued to their TV sets and radios, and in this, one of the great gambling countries of the world, literally millions of people will be betting on the outcome. Some only a dollar, others (literally) millions. Virtually every Government and Commercial Office will be running sweepstakes on this crucial issue, who is going to win and by how much. It’s that important to us.

My personal prediction of the winner of the race ? Well, let’s put it this way : the winner will have a face like a horse, and not be from Texas. I’m not going for the favourite, as I think it’s way too close to call.






I’m going for Vinnie Roe, by a nose.

Oh yes, and in the other race that day? Hopefully, like the election we had that the MSM said was “too close to call”, the incumbent by a landslide. But I wouldn’t bet on it.

Brave New World (A Satire)

The following is a small extract from an article over at AEBrain, the Blog.

It helps when reading this to be familiar with the album “War of the Worlds”.

Now imagine a certain Democrat candidate for the US presidency singing it…

Take a look around you at the world we’ve come to know
Does it seem to be much more than a crazy circus show
Maybe from the madness, something beautiful will grow
In a brave new world, with guidance from the UN,
We’ll start… we’ll start all over again!
All over again! All over again! All over again!

The US domination of the Earth is fading fast,
And out of the confusion a chance has come at last,
To build a better future from the ashes of the past,
In a brave new world, with guidance from the UN,
We’ll start all over again!

Look, man is born in freedom, but he soon becomes a slave,
In cages of convention from the cradle to the grave,
The weak fall by the wayside but Progressives will be saved,
In a brave new world, with guidance from the UN,
We’ll start all over again!

I’m not trying to tell you what to be,
Oh no, oh no, not me…
But you’ll see at a glance, that we should learn from France,
They’re gonna have to build this world anew
And it’s going to have to start with the EU … OUI!

I’m not trying to tell you what to be,
Oh no, oh no, not me…
The proles with feeble SATS, they NEED aristocrats,
They’re gonna have to build this world anew
Yes and we will have to be that chosen few…

Just think of all the poverty, the hatred and the lies,
And imagine the destruction of all that you despise,
Slowly from the ashes the phoenix will arise,
In a brave new world, with guidance from the UN
We’ll start all over again!

Take a look around you at the world you’ve loved so well,
And bid that aging empire, AmeriKKKa farewell
It may not sound like heaven but at least it isn’t hell
It’s a brave new world, with guidance from the UN,
We’ll start, we’ll start all over again!
All over again! All over again! All over again!
I’VE GOT A PLAN!

It’s unfair, unjust, grossly exaggerated, satirical, and I fear all too accurate.

Dual-use technology

After accusations of allowing the UNRWA ambulances and resources to be used by terrorists to ferry gunmen and rockets throughout Gaza with impunity, UNRWA Commissioner Peter Hansen responded that it would be impossible for a rocket to be loaded into an ambulance with one hand and that it looked more like a portable stretcher.

It’s highly possible that both the Israelis and Peter Hansen may be right. The video that shows the equipment being loaded into the van, driven off, parked, unloaded, set up, launched, and then the van used to get away from the scene may be demonstrating a whole new technology developed by the Palestinians.

Behold, the Qassam Rocket-Powered Mobile Stretcher!

Palestinian Red Crescent partnerships with Magen David Adom require cooperation after terror attacks, but the roadblocks at Erez prevent scores of willing volunteers to pour into Tel Aviv, Sderot and Ashkelon after these attacks take place. Unwilling to be thwarted from lending a helping hand, Hamas and Islamic Jihad engineers have teamed with the UNRWA and ICRC to equip and train squads of Qassam Stretcher crews to launch these new rocket-powered mobile stretchers into Israel during terror attacks. First responders can now expect handy, ready-to-use foldable stretchers in the event of terror attacks.

Or so they thought. Their guidance systems are crude, and they tend to blow up on impact, but the Palestinians remain undaunted and are focusing on extending the range of these rocket-powered mobile stretchers to cover more of Israel. Once all of Israel is within range of these humanitarian supplies, they can work the bugs out of the guidance and explodes-on-impact-killing-more-children issues.

So three cheers for Peter Hansen and his UNRWA staff for hitting the blackboards and coming up with this new tool in the War On Terror! And shame on the Israelis for making snap judgements and assumptions about this mobile-stretcher launching technology meant to save lives instead of snuff them out.

Proof Kerry is Telling the Truth

Major Embarrassment for the Right

It turns out John Kerry is telling the truth about spending Christmas in Cambodia. A British journalist who worked in Cambodia in the Sixties has just come forward with a recording of the following popular Cambodian folk song:

Grandma got run over by a swift boat
Walking home from our hooch Christmas Eve
You may say Cambodia has no swift boats
But me and Aunt Teresa, we believe

[chorus]

She’d been smoking too much Thai stick
And we begged her to keep low
But she felt like skinny dipping
And she staggered down the bank
into the flow

[chorus]

When we found her Christmas morning
At the scene of the attack
She had Botox in her forehead
And incriminating ketchup
down her back

[chorus]

It’s not Christmas without Grandma
The whole Khmer Rouge is dressed in black
And we just can’t help but wonder
Is Lieutenant Kerry
coming back?

[chorus]

I’ve warned all my friends and neighbors
Stay inside, protect your health
They should never give a medal
To a man who flips his lid
and shoots himself

A Little Perspective

I found this cartoon from Salt Lake Tribune cartoonist Pat Bagley. It provides a little perspective, lest we all get carried away with our comments (me included). For what its worth.

Threats

CBC: Sharon survives no-confidence votes

Earlier on Monday, he threatened to call an election if members of his party block his efforts to form a unity government with the opposition Labour Party.

Israel is the only nation in the Middle East in which the head of state threatens to call elections.

Sometimes it's Just too Easy

John, You is my Man Now

From Hog on Ice.

Evidently, Whoopi Goldberg appeared at a Kerry fundraiser last night and repeatedly referred to John Edwards as “kid.” She said he looked like he was about eighteen years old. Meaning he would have been conceived at about the time Whoopi was making her last successful movie.

But Kerry defended him.

Said Kerry, “I have a man, Whoopi.”

At least he was nice enough to omit the phrase “unlike you.”

What fun is there in trying to turn Kerry and Edwards into the Ambiguously Gay Duo if they’re going to beat me to the punch?

At this rate, when they get into the White House, instead of Terror Alert Levels, they’ll be issuing Feng Shui Alert Levels.

WHITE HOUSE SPOKESPERSON CHRISTOPHER LOWELL: Thank you all for coming. I’m here to announce that we decided to go with teal wallpaper in the West Wing washrooms. And Helen, here’s a tip: red is not slimming. Yes? The reporter from The Advocate?

ADVOCATE GUY: The blintzes at the catering table are cold again.

LOWELL: Oh, honey, just have a biscotti.

Chevy Chase issued another sad reminder of his declining abilities. I used to think this guy was actually talented. Then he had a long string of really bad movies, and after that, there was his three-day-long foray as a late night talk show host. Do you remember that? Chase always had the pale, clammy, tremulous look of a tourist coping with a sudden attack of diarrhea. The flopsweat poured like rain.

CHEVY: We’re glad to have [looks at card] Fred Thumbelina as our guest tonight, fresh from a run at the Lake Tahoe Ramada Inn Rumpus Room…

FRED: That’s “Travalena.”

CHEVY: Oh, God. Oh, God. Sorry. There was [points] sweat on the…on the…

FRED: “Card.” Chevy, are you okay?

CHEVY: I…uh…I…[to booth] look, do you have to keep pointing that camera at me?

FRED: You’re the host.

CHEVY: Am I? I guess I am. And you’re not! [grins, waits…silence]

FRED: [helpfully] Ha ha! [coughs] Ha.

CHEVY: I’m almost positive I used to be funny. Wasn’t I funny? [to booth] Bernie, can I leave? I have a note from my wife.

FRED: Careful! When you shake you’re slinging sweat into my coffee.

CHEVY: I’m going to get up and fall down.

FRED: Guys, this is cruel. Can you just stop taping?

CHEVY: [walks out in front of desk, falls, looks around for response…silence] Look! I’m Gerald Ford! Gerald Ford! The President who used to fall down? [an egg strikes him]

FRED: [stands] I have to go do a bar mitzvah.

CHEVY: And now a message from the makers of Percocet. PAMPERS! PAMPERS!

[test pattern, tone]

Anyway, last night, Chase’s Sunday punch was, “This guy is as bright as an egg-timer.”

He gets invited to three things a year, he had weeks to prepare, and this was his ten o’clock song. How do you follow up a flop like that? I guess he’ll become a barker at a midget peep show.

I keep trying to make sense of it. Do egg timers have lights? Aren’t they usually little hourglasses?

Maybe Chevy has an illegal alien who times his eggs, and he’s not too swift. Maybe he meant, “This guy is as bright as my egg timer, Joaquin.”

Let me know if you figure it out.

Anyway, I really wish the Democrats would stop trying to help me. When reaming out moonbats ceases to be sport, I lose interest completely.

Publisher Revokes Hillary's Advance for Common Good

Publisher Revokes Hillary’s Advance for Common Good. (Humor).

“I recently discovered that I am partly Punjabi.”

If only life really worked like this…

- - - - - - -

- - - - - - -

Similar topic (kind of): my prediction for the Dem Veep sweepstakes: Sam Nunn. I, personally, think Sam Nunn would get Kerry many more southern votes (aka “NASCAR Dads”) than pretty-boy John Edwards. I think that, if Kerry picked Nunn, the GOP would go … “Oh crap.” I, of course, hope Kerry picks Ms. Sincere Punjabi Herself, Hillary “For the Common Good” Clinton.

Of course, a floor fight at the convention by the Deaniacs for the VP slot would be great fun too.

This is a duplicate of the original post on the nikita demosthenes website.

Damn Republicans

Mean-Spirited Conservatives at it Again

From Hog on Ice.

Look what I just found:

Too Many Minutes With Andy Looney

Gee, for years I thought it was just ME.

Andy Looney…I mean Rooney…has been on CBS forever. And he clearly must have a friend in high places at CBS since for years he has done his “humor piece” at the end of 60 Minutes. Now, I know he reads a piece, but I usually consider it a piece of something other than humor. But I thought it was just me. What do I know?

When I was a student aspiring to be a journalist, I’d read lots of books by columnists such as the late great Mike Royko. Now, in this post I’m using the “I” a lot, but you could always tell one of Andy’s “pieces” even if you quickly scanned it because he always uses the letter “I” repeatedly. We don’t have one of his books in front of us, but it’d read something like this:

I I I I paper clips I I I I I I administration I think I think I I I I I economy I I I I press relations I I I I I women’s lib I I I I I I

But you get the idea. Rooney was apparently amusing enough (must have been for his big bosses) to stay on the air for years talking about the minor irritations of life. But in recent years more than ever he has begun commenting on the bigger issues. And Heaven Forbid The Moderate Voice (my aka name..), who lived through the Vietnam War years, should make an insensative ageist comment, but let’s do it anyway:

Isn’t it time for Andy Rooney to move on, get off television, or be helped to move on (or kicked off)?

Perhaps he could be sent to Cuba and read his humor commentary to terrorist prisoners who are being interrogated. They would quickly confess.

It isn’t an age thing. It’s not a political thing. It’s an obnoxious thing.

Andy Rooney is to television humor what telemarketers are to dinnertime. Andy Rooney is to perceptive analysis what Jack In The Box is to fine cuisine. Andy Rooney is to laughter what an appearance by Osma bin Laden is to a Bar Mitzvah.

What provoked me to confess that I immediately switch off 60 Minutes because Andy Rooney is now the self-absorbed Bob Saget of the senior set is this item run by Seattle blogger Greg Piper:

Jeff Jarvis does a Mexican hat dance on the latest idiocy from cacophonous curmudgeon Andy Rooney, who said on the Don Imus radio show that American soldiers in Iraq can’t be heroes because they’re “victims” who “don’t have an occasion to rise to.” Why is CBS still giving this hateful harrumpher a paycheck?

We agree with Greg. Rooney is now out there in Dennis Kucinichland.

And just as amusing.

"I Want a REAL War Game..."

(cross-posted from Winds of Change.NET)

David Wong’s memorable and hilarious “I Want a Real War Sim…” is a darkly funny video-game rant that captures the state of modern warfare better than 99.9% of the news publications out there. His rant comes complete with altered screenshots from games like Command And Conquer, Starcraft, et. al. and begins with:

bq.. 1. …where I spend two hours pushing across a map to destroy a “nuclear missile silo,” only to find out after the fact that it was just a missile-themed orphanage.

I want little celebrities to show up on the scene and do interviews over video of charred teddy bears, decrying my unilateral attack. I want congressional hearings demanding answers to these atrocities.

2. On the very next level I want to lose half of my units because another “orphanage” turned out to be a NOD ambush site. I want another round of hearings asking why I didn’t level that orphanage as soon as I saw it, including tearful testimony from a slain soldier’s daughter who is now, ironically, an orphan.

It keeps getting better from there, bringing in CIA field agents, Starcraft monsters, Nude Zero-Gravity Futureball, ass-covering doublespeak - and of course, France - as it builds inexorably toward the Nicholsonesque rant at the end.

This one is destined to be a humour classic. Big Hat Tip to Winds of Change.NET reader Larry Ice for recommending it.

Iraqi Joke: Fast Bus to Heaven

This one comes from the Baghdadee forum, and is cross-posted today on Winds of Change.NET:

“Saddam’s Mosqu’s Khateeb “Shiekh Ali” dies and waits in line at the “Janna” Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy in casual shalwar (the loose outfit worn in the Middle East, Pakistan, et. al.). Malak (angel) addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Kaka Ali, Mini Bus driver from Kefri, Iraq.”

Malak consults his list, smiles and says to Kaka Ali, “Enter into the Kingdom.”

So the Iraqi driver enters Heaven and the Sheikh Ali is next in line. He stands erect. Without being asked, he proclaims, “I am Sheikh Ali Imam of Jama in Baghdad for the last 33 years during the Saddam God bless him!”

Malak consults his list and says, “I’m sorry, you’re on the waiting list. You have to pass some tests before you get entry to the Kingdom of Heaven.”

Shikh says, “Just a minute. That man was a Mini Bus driver, and you issued him instant entry! But I have to go through more tests. How can this be? Please double check the names.”

Malak says, “Up here, Imam, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

Rantisi's replacement, Take 2

Unknown Comic rejects offer from Hamas

BURBANK, CA (AP) - Veteran comedian Murray Langston has rejected an offer by Hamas to become the new leader of their organization in Gaza.

“They thought it was a perfect fit,” said Murray. “Unknown Comic, Unknown Terrorist Leader. But I took off the bag years ago, and people know me. And on top of that, I’ve got a wife and three baggies to think about.”

“Sure I could use the work, but the leader of a terrorist organization? I still have nightmares about Jaye P. Morgan, for crying out loud. I bomb on stage, not buses.”

When asked about Gong Show MC Chuck Barris’ alleged ties to the CIA, Langston had no comment.

Rantisi's replacement

New Hamas leader will be Halliburton contractor

DAMASCUS (AP) - In the wake of yet another assassination of a Hamas’ top manager in Gaza and the threat of a merger with the Palestinian Authority, Hamas political leader Khaled Meshaal announced that he would be contracting Houston company Halliburton, Inc. for the new Gaza regional manager role.

“After years of working with locally-trained executives with decreasing success, we’re bringing in outside talent,” he said from his bunker on the outskirts of Damascus. “Despite their primarily being involved in oil services and drilling, their security division is a perfect model for our resistance operations.”

The Houston-based company agreed, and a deal was made. “We have years of experience in placing individuals in positions of high risk in the Middle East,” said a senior Halliburton executive who wished not to be named.

The exact terms of the contract were not disclosed, but they were said to number in the millions of euros.

“And if it doesn’t work out,” said Meshall, “we can always take the infidel hostage and demand ransom.”

Code Yellow Plus?

AP: U.S. Transit Systems Increasing Security

Greg Hull, security chief for the American Public Transportation Association, said Friday the transit systems are at “code yellow-plus” following the bulletin about a possible terror plot from the FBI and the Homeland Security Department.

Wait… what’s going on here? What the heck is a Code Yellow Plus?

Is a Code Yellow Plus the same as a Code Orange-Minus, or are they like school grades where a b- is a C+ where you blow the professor in their office?

I thought that Tom Ridge was setting these things up like musical scales, where a B-sharp is a C-flat. That way, a Code Yellow-Plus is really a Code Orange-Minus.

Code Yellow is Elevated and Code Orange is High. What is Yellow-Plus? Escalated? Aroused? Antsy?

How about the color itself? Kinda-Yellow? Mellow-Yellow? Golderod? Cornsilk? Lemon Chiffon?

I think our anti-terror efforts to protect the trains is slowly but surely coming off of the rails.

Key endorsement for Lieberman

Joe Lieberman got another boost of “Joe-mentum” Thursday from a crucial endorsement:

Kerry Aborts Dean

Thank God it's Still the First Trimester of the Campaign

From Little Tiny Lies.

Zogby now says John Kerry's slimy tricks hard campaigning has worked, and Dean now trails him in Iowa. Tragic. I hope it isn't true. I was about to launch my "Republicans for Dean" site. I was really looking forward to seeing this guy debate Dub.

Dean: Americans don't need a President who's weak on security!

Dub: Roll the video of federal agents driving a Bradley Fighting Vehicle with Arabic markings past the sleeping guards at Vermont's only nuclear plant.

Dean: We don't need a President who is insensitive about race.

Dub: Roll the video of Dean's mom wearing her Chanel Imperial Wizard outfit.

Dean: We don't need a draft dodger in the White House.

Dub: Roll the video of Dean skiing after getting 4-F'd with a phony back ailment.

[Video rolls - we see Howard skiing down the slopes, waving a peace sign, wearing a shirt that says "Charlie Don't Ski."]

Dean: We don't need a snob in the White House.

Dub: Roll the video of young Howard forcing the servants to do his homework.

[Video rolls - we see a confused servant working on algebra while, in the background, Young Howard tap-dances up and down a set of stairs with Bill "Bojangles" Robinson.]

Bojangles: Yo' back sho' don't seem to hurt yo' tap-dancin' none, Massa Howard.

Dean: Like I said, vote for Bush.

It's amazing how liberals have turned on Dean. They're like shark pups, eating each other in the womb. Every day, we see a new negative story in the mainstream liberal establishment press. Is it because reporters are out there doing legwork, like they're supposed to? Of course not. Journalists are the laziest creatures in the universe. Reporters sit in their offices and let publicists feed them, and right now, flaks for all the Democrat candidates other than Dean are pumping them as full as pâté geese.

Supposedly, Kerry is behind a lot of it. Hey, I would be, too, if I had a multimillion-dollar mortgage riding on the race. Everyone who gets elected President ends up rich--independently so, not the way guys who marry ketchup heirs are rich--and Kerry knows that. It'll take longer to recoup that money as a mere Senator. Of course, he can always go home and earn the money lying on his back.

Paul O'Neill, Jilted Lover

What's Next? Dead Roses?

From Little Tiny Lies.

The left is mildly aroused over Paul O'Neill's vicious attack on President Bush. They're not HIGHLY aroused, because every time they get really excited about an apparent Bush scandal, it turns out to be a plastic turkey kerfuffle, they get humiliated, and to put it politely, the swelling quickly goes down.

Still, they like the O'Neill story. They kind of liked O'Neill anyway, because he flew around with that no-talent, one-name idiot, Bono, who wants us all to forgive third-world debt, but who doesn't seem too eager to donate his own millions.

It's a peculiar thing about the left. They love demanding higher taxes and bigger handouts, but you never see them donating money to the government on their own initiative. Warren Beatty said he thought 70% was a pretty reasonable tax rate. He's free to pay 70% right now; the government would be happy to take it. But Warren isn't offering.

I think he and Bono should do a modern-day version of The Millionaire. They'd be sitting around in their posh study, and suddenly the phone would ring, and it would be Lesotho, asking forgiveness for an enormous loan. Off would go Warren's and Bono's driver, with a big check in a pretty envelope.

Don't hold your breath, Lesotho. Go out and get a paper route.

Anyway, back to O'Neill.

I think everyone needs to try to imagine what it's like to be the Secretary of the Treasury and get FIRED. Okay? You've moved all your stuff into the office, you've gone to your college reunion and flashed a big bleached smile at all the losers...maybe you've even gone to your high school reunion and used the new job as an entre to boff a few of the hotties of your fevered youth. You've had business cards printed up, you've got new, government-issue stationery, you're flying around the world with a short, greasy, balding rocker who makes the kids think you're really hip...and then one day you open USA Today and find out you're unemployed, not because you chose to quit and go on tour, but because your boss thinks you're an idiot.

Your boss, the alleged 40-watt bulb who was supposed to be grateful to bask in the reflected glow of your genius, thinks you're too stupid even for government work. So you're out.

Now, what happens when you dump a girl? Does she run off to all her friends and say, "Wow, what a wonderful guy. I guess I wasn't worthy"? No. Here's what she says:

1. You are a loser.
2. She was going to dump you anyway.
3. You have a small penis.
4. She faked all her orgasms.
5. She's pretty sure you're gay.

Then she drives to your house late at night and breaks the radio antenna off your car.

Do I even have to tell you this? I have an ex whose idea of maturity and grace was to skip the state and try to force me to pay for her bar study loan. This was after she tried to cancel my hotel reservation for the bar exam. And I was REALLY NICE when I let her go. I was even nice to her when I located her and put the loan people in touch. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I tendered the olive branch, with sincerity. Now when she reluctantly communicates with me, she acts like I have SARS.

That's the state of mind O'Neill is in right now. He's so mad at Bush he gave his ghostwriter 19,000 documents to use to screw him. Do you know how many