The Command Post Op-Ed Page

Bush's Real Iraq Speech Surfaces (Satire)

This is also posted on Joe Gandelman’s blog.

Editor’s Note: President George Bush delivered a long-awaited speech in Iraq last night at Fort Bragg. Accounts of the speech were carried by news organizations and shown on television. The speech received mixed editorial reviews and was criticized by some as being dull — but The Moderate Voice has learned the REAL SPEECH was not.

A reliable source has provided TMV an exclusive video of the REAL speech delivered last night without after-the-fact editing changes. Here are excerpts which clearly show the White House had tried to make the speech livelier. These excerpts suggest the mainstream media did not tell the whole story on what President Bush said in his speech:

Text of President Bush’s speech Tuesday night at Fort Bragg, N.C., as NOT provided by the White House:

Thank you and good evening. I am pleased to visit Fort Bragg, home of the Airborne and Special Operations Forces. It is an honor to speak before you tonight and have you serve as props for me to improve my image.

Take Howard Dean. Please.

My greatest responsibility as president is to protect the American people, get my poll numbers up — and make sure that from now on I have lunch with Bill Frist at least once a week.

The troops here and across the world are fighting a global war on terror. This war reached our shores on September 11, 2001. The terrorists who attacked us and the terrorists we face murder in the name of a totalitarian ideology that hates freedom, rejects tolerance and despises all dissent.

Speaking of rejecting tolerance and despising all dissent, just attend one of my speeches. You’ll have to sign a loyalty pledge first and if you shout out anything, you’re outta there. And, by the way: no pies allowed….

To achieve these aims, the terrorists have continued to kill in Madrid, Istanbul, Jakarta, Casablanca, Riyadh, Bali and elsewhere. They won’t try anything in Bridgeport, Connecticut, because its dead enough there already.

The terrorists believe that free societies are essentially corrupt and decadent. Speaking of corrupt and decadent: What’s the latest on Tom DeLay and Randy Cunningham?

With a few hard blows the terrorists can force us to retreat. A “few hard blows”? Who put in that reference to Monica Lewinsky?

These are the jokes, guys. You’re supposed to laugh

Is this a military audience or the NAACP?

Iraq is the latest battlefield in this war. Many terrorists who kill innocent men, women and children on the streets of Baghdad are followers of the same murderous ideology that took the lives of our citizens in New York, Washington and Pennsylvania. There is only one course of action against them: to defeat them abroad before they attack us at home.

Some have made accusations against us of torture — but we have never forced anyone to listen to a lecture on psychiatry by Tom Cruise.

The commander in charge of coalition operations in Iraq, who is also senior commander at this base, General John Vines, put it well the other day. He said, “Do you know where I can get Viagra at a discount?”

Our mission in Iraq is clear. We are hunting down the terrorists. We are helping Iraqis build a free nation that is an ally in the war on terror. We are advancing freedom in the broader Middle East. We are removing a source of violence and instability and laying the foundation of peace for our children and our grandchildren. We are trying to improve our image by talking in front of a military audience. We are unleashing Karl Rove tomorrow to give a speech that will reveal that Harry Reid doesn’t wear underwear.

The work in Iraq is difficult and dangerous but not as dangerous as teaching high school.

Like most Americans, I see the images of violence and bloodshed…but enough about parental behavior at Little League games.

Every picture is horrifying and the suffering is real. But let’s not talk about those nude photos of Dick Cheney.

Amid all this violence, I know Americans ask the question: Is the sacrifice worth it? It is worth it, and it is vital to the future security of our country. And tonight I will explain the reasons why or my name isn’t Joe Lieberman.

Some of the violence you see in Iraq is being carried out by ruthless killers who are converging on Iraq to fight the advance of peace and freedom. Our military reports that we have killed or captured hundreds of foreign fighters in Iraq who have come from Saudi Arabia, Syria, Iran, Egypt, Sudan, Yemen, Libya and other nations in search of a place that serves REAL pizza.

They are making common cause with criminal elements, Iraqi insurgents and remnants of Saddam Hussein’s regime who want to restore the old order and make sure Sadaam from now on only wears boxer shorts.

They fight because they know that the survival of their hateful ideology is at stake. They know that as freedom takes root in Iraq, it will inspire millions across the Middle East to claim their liberty as well. And when the Middle East grows in democracy, prosperity and hope, the terrorists will lose their sponsors, lose their recruits and lose their hopes for turning that region into a base for attacks on America and our allies around the world — and they won’t get many presents at their bar mitzvahs.

Some wonder whether Iraq is a central front in the war on terror. Some wonder whether this recycled speech is at all necessary.

Among the terrorists, there is no debate. Hear the words of Osama Bin Laden: “The fleas in my beard are killing me” and “The whole world is watching Desperate Housewives.” He says it will end in “a ratings triumph for ABC and they’ll eventually turn it into a movie, which will have big B.O. — just like me.”

The lesson of this experience is clear: The terrorists can kill the innocent but they cannot stop the advance of freedom. The only way our enemies can succeed is if we forget the lessons of September 11, if we abandon the Iraqi people to men like Zarqawi and if we yield the future of the Middle East to men like bin Laden. For the sake of our nation’s security, this will not happen on my watch — because my watch is small and Mickey Mouse takes up a lot of space on it.

A little over a year ago, I spoke to the nation and described our coalition’s goal in Iraq and that speech wasn’t so terrific, either.

Rebuilding a country after three decades of tyranny is hard and rebuilding while at war is even harder. It requires work. Hard work. Our progress has been uneven but progress is being made. That’s hard work. We are improving roads and schools and health clinics and working to improve basic services like sanitation, electricity and water. And together with our allies, we will help the new Iraqi government deliver a better life for its citizens. That’s hard work.

Why isn’t that getting any laughs? Repeating a funny phrase works for Letterman….

Hey, Rove — who wrote this comedy material? Ralph Nader?

You guys in the front row: sit down NOW or you’ll be guilty of desertion. I still have more:

Whatever our differences in the past, the world understands that success in Iraq is critical to the security of all our nations.

As German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder said at the White House yesterday, “Heil Hitler!”

Hey, Rove: who wrote that crappy Schroeder joke? Oh. Well, next time I’LL handle Laura’s contributions….

Finally, we have continued our efforts to equip and train Iraqi security forces. We have made gains in both the number and quality of those forces. Today Iraq has more than 160,000 security forces trained and equipped for a working as telemarketers. That’s about 1/4 the number in the average American city.

Iraqi forces have fought bravely helping to capture terrorists and insurgents in Najaf, Samarra, Fallujah and Mosul — and in Sherman Oaks.

And in the past month, Iraqi forces have led a major anti-terrorist campaign in Baghdad called Operation Lightning, which has led to the capture of hundreds of suspected insurgents.

This is not to be confused with the Operation Lightning that took place in the Oval Office with women who worked on Bill Clinton’s staff. And I do mean who worked on his staff.

Hey, Rove, who wrote THAT loser? Oh. Well, tell Limbaugh his brother Dave is FUNNIER….

The progress in the past year has been significant and we have a clear path forward. To complete the mission, we will continue to hunt down the terrorists and insurgents. To complete the mission, we will prevent al-Qaida and other foreign terrorists from turning Iraq into what Afghanistan was under the Taliban - a safe haven from which they could launch attacks on America and our friends..a country named after a long haired dog…What do you mean it isn’t?

So our strategy going forward has both a military track and a political track. And believe me you’re watching the political track in frantic action right now.

The principal task of our military is to find and defeat the terrorists and that is why we are on the offense. And no adminstration has ever been as offensive as mine.

And as we pursue the terrorists, our military is helping to train Iraqi security forces so that they can defend their people and fight the enemy on their own. Our strategy can be summed up this way: As the Iraqis stand up, we will stand down. As the Iraqis get fed down, the American public gets fed up.

We have made progress but we have a lot more work to do. Hard work. Today Iraqi security forces are at different levels of readiness. Hard — hey, I TOLD you this stuff isn’t working! Next time when I want a FUNNY speech I’ll have Scalia write it!!

Where was I? Oh…

I recognize that Americans want our troops to come home as quickly as possible and for me to shut up. So does my wife.

Some Americans ask me, if completing the mission is so important, why don’t you send more troops? And I say to them: I have a better question for you. Knock Knock. Who’s there? Sadaam. Sadaam who? Sadaam shame we can’t really set a timetable on this war…

If our commanders on the ground say we need more troops, I will send them. I will send the COMMANDERS — not more troops. Just think of the backlash and poll numbers if I sent more troops now. No way, Jose.

Sending more Americans would undermine our strategy of encouraging Iraqis to take the lead in this fight. And sending more Americans would suggest that we intend to stay forever, when we are in fact working for the day when Iraq can defend itself and we can leave. As we determine the right force level, our troops can know that I will continue to be guided by the advice that matters: the sober judgment of our military leaders.

Speaking of sober: did you watch that video of Tom Delay slurring his speech the other day? It was posted on Crooks and Liars. I’d make a joke about who that site is named after but Rush and Sean wouldn’t like it.

These are JOKES, you guys.

Is this an audience or a scuplture exhibit?

The other critical element of our strategy is to help ensure that the hopes Iraqis expressed at the polls in January are translated into a secure democracy. Translation is vital — especially when I speak….

As Iraqis make progress toward a free society, the effects are being felt beyond Iraq’s borders. Before our coalition liberated Iraq, Libya was secretly pursuing nuclear weapons. Today the leader of Libya has given up his chemical and nuclear weapons programs but he won’t leggo my Eggo.

We have more work to do. Hard work — Jez, how many times did you idiots insert that phrase in this and think it’d get a laugh??

And there will be tough moments that test America’s resolve. We are fighting against men with blind hatred and armed with lethal weapons who are capable of any atrocity. Even playing Kathy Lee Gifford CDs at full blast.

They wear no uniform; they wear no socks; they wear no underwear. Hey, Karl: if that’s true then do a speech linking Reid with the terrorists. Oh. And remind me not to let Reid sit on our couch ever again….

They respect no laws of warfare or morality. Hey, they sound like my former frat brothers on party weekend!

That’s a JOKE, guys! Who booked me into THIS gig? Diane Feinstein?

They are trying to shake our will in Iraq just as they tried to shake our will on September 11, 2001. They will fail. The terrorists do not understand America. The American people do not falter under threat and we will not allow our future to be determined by car bombers and assassins. This needs to be repeated thousands and thousands of times — and I have done just that in one speech alone.

America has done difficult work before. Hard work.,,,Oh, not again!

From our desperate fight for independence, to the darkest days of a Civil War, to the hard-fought battles against tyranny in the 20th century, there were many chances to lose our heart, our nerve or our way. But Americans have always held firm, because we have always believed in certain truths. We know that if evil is not confronted, it gains in strength and audacity and returns to strike us again. We know that when the work is hard — hard w…I WON‘T SAY IT! — the proper response is not retreat, it is courage….

In this time of testing, our troops can know: The American people are behind you. Next week, our nation has an opportunity to make sure that support is felt by every soldier, sailor, airman, Coast Guardsman and Marine at every outpost across the world. This Fourth of July, I ask you to find a way to thank the men and women defending our freedom by flying the flag, sending letters to our troops in the field or helping the military family down the street. I ask you to do this for the troops. I ask you to do this because it shows I care and it can help drive my poll numbers up. And if it doesn’t Rove will be back wearing that bright uniform and hat selling corn dogs on a stick in the food court down at the mall..

I thank those of you who have re-enlisted in an hour when your country needs you. And to those watching tonight who are considering a military career, there is no higher calling than service in our Armed Forces. We live in freedom because every generation has produced patriots willing to serve a cause greater than themselves. Those who serve today are taking their rightful place among the greatest generations that have worn our nation’s uniform. When the history of this period is written, the liberation of Afghanistan and the liberation of Iraq will be remembered as great turning points in the story of freedom. And they will remember that we did hard work. CRIPES!!

After September 11, 2001, I told the American people that the road ahead would be difficult and that we would prevail. Well, it has been difficult. And we are prevailing.

Wait! We are succeeding NOW. So doesn’t that mean we’re vailing? Someone needs to work on their grammar..

Our enemies are brutal, but they are no match for the United States of America and they are no match for the men and women of the United States military. So if you hear from a pollster, tell them you support me, OK?

Thank you. And may God bless America. And Karl Rove.

Food Firm Doesn't Curry Favor With Mahatma Gandhi's Family

The family of vegetarian Indian pacifist icon Mahatma Gandhi is fighting mad over an Australian company using their beloved ancestor to sell their products and has asked the Indian government to intervene.

The firm is Handi Ghandi — “Great Curries…No Worries” and its curries reportedly include meat curries…including beef…which is a no-no for Hindus. Reuters reports:

“It’s offensive,” Tushar Gandhi, the activist’s Bombay-based great-grandson and head of the Mahatma Gandhi Foundation, told Reuters. “It goes absolutely against all his beliefs. Using his image to sell beef curries and such doesn’t gel.

“He was not a foodie.”

Indeed: Gandhi was best known for his hunger strikes.

But it probably wouldn’t be lucrative for the Australian firm to sell customers empty cartons, so they they could hold one of their own.

Although that could make a great weight reduction product.

Even so, Mahatma Gandhi — who is to India what George Washington was to the United States (one of “reborn” India’s founding fathers) — did admit to trying beef, just to see what it tasted like (he was not a beefeater after that). It’s hard for westerners to realize just how cherished the memory of Gandhi is, even though modern Indian governments have not followed his ideals of nonviolence and vegetarianism. Gandhi was assassinated in 1948.

Contacted by telephone in Australia, Handi Ghandi’s Troy Lister told Reuters “it’s not a good time to chat at the moment” and to call back Monday.

It is not clear if the company’s spelling of the name is intentional or not, but “Ghandi” is a common Western misspelling. A handi is also a popular earthen cooking pot.

Handi Ghandi’s Web site also features a line-drawing of Gandhi holding what appears to be an American-style Chinese takeout box.

What’s so commercial about that?

And what’s so offensive?

After all, the drawing of Gandhi is only holding a takeout box of food that could presumably contain the company’s meat and beef products.

Would Americans be upset if car dealerships used John F Kennedy’s image to sell convertibles?

How about Abraham Lincoln’s image over the popcorn stand at Ford’s Theater?

The copyrighted site was only partly working Friday, but Tushar Gandhi said it also included a jingle with a male voice singing, “I am Handi Ghandi, eat my curries.”

“They have tried to get somebody to sound like Ben Kingsley,” he said, referring to the actor who won an Oscar for his portrayal of Gandhi in the eponymous 1982 box office hit.

Although Gandhi’s name and image are protected under India’s constitution and national emblems laws — the same as the national flag — Tushar said he had no legal recourse in Australia, where the company is legally registered.

Reuters notes that this is not the first bro-ha-ha involving Indian icons:

Last month, a U.S.-based Indian lawyer said he would sue a California brewery for $1 billion over a beer label showing the popular Hindu elephant god Ganesh holding a beer in his trunk.

Again, what’s wrong with that?

Would some Americans be upset if a company in India sold nails with a picture of Jesus on the label holding a hammer?

Just wondering…

Dick Cheney Just Invited Me To Dinner!

I just I opened my mailbox And do you know what I found?

Vice President Dick Cheney has invited me to “join President Bush, Laura and the entire Republican Congressional leadership as they gather on the evening of June 14th here in Washington D.C…”

ME. The Moderate Voice. A little Jewish guy from Connecticut whose claim to fame is writing a blog that infuriates liberals, conservatives, Republicans, Democrats and proctologists.

I’m also a ventriloquist, but they couldn’t have invited me for that since there are already more than enough dummies in Washington. In both parties (there go my Democratic readers..)

But what got me and brought a tear to my eye was this sentence:

“And will you allow all of us to recognize and honor the important role you have played over the years?”

They must have seen my shows. My role is to play straight man to a wooden character. It’s sort of like talking to Alan Greenspan.

But that’s not what they mean:

“That night will give President Bush a chance to personally thank you (DO YOU HEAR THAT? IT HE WILL PERSONALLY COME OVER TO ME!) for your work in our 2004 re-election campaign., for helping elect Republican Majorities in the U.S. House of Representatives and Senate and for making the Republican Party America’s Majority Party.

The President’s Dinner here in Washington, D.C. is the perfect opportunity to express our gratitude publicly for all you have done, Mr. Gandelman.

Well, I did do the posts saying I thought the Swift Boats issue was an issue that shouldn’t be in the campaign and that I wouldn’t cover it (I didn’t). Of course, I also said that I wasn’t interested in questions about Bush’s military history and wouldn’t cover that (I didn’t). I wanted the issues to be issues. Ones that matter. Like policy issues. About policies. Could that be what you mean?

Or it could be my posts on Bush’s debate performances. I tried mightily to give Mr. Bush the benefit of the doubt, but in all of my posts I made it clear that when he leaves the White House the one job George Bush will not get is as a college debate instructor. In most of the debates Bush was as eloquent as a cabbage.

I don’t belong to either party. And I won’t join one again, even if I am reincarnated 50 times. Now, it’s true Democrats said this site smelled when we didn’t agree with everything they said. But, then, Republicans said this site reeked when we disagreed with them. And both sides repeatedly asked (and ask): “How can you call yourself a moderate?”

Cheney’s personal letter to me goes on and on. But then he says he needs some money from me but not to take this the wrong way because “while we will raise money toward the 2006 elections that evening, we want to use the night to recognize the vital role you and others have played in our Republican Party’s accomplishments for this great nation.”

I guess he likes our recent posts opposing the President’s stances on Terri Schiavo, the nuclear option and warning that the GOP seems in danger of losing centrists due to its obsession with catering to social conservatives at the expense of other groups.

I actually write these things on an issue by issue basis. I had no idea that in questioning the GOP and being denounced by its most fervent partisans (as I routinely am by email by Democrats who feel I am in the other camp), I was helping the Republican party. I suppose that means when I pointed out that Bob Shrum had the political smarts of a month old decaying sausage that I was helping the Democrats.

Cheney then invites me to “celebrate our Republican Party’s accomplishments” (I don’t belong to it; I’ll let that pass) in the country and in the 2004 campaign. So that means “we’re” still in celebration mode?

But there’s more.

He also informs me that there is a letter from MAJORITY LEADER BILL FRIST with details.

And, here too, Mr. Frist thanks me:”And will you also allow us to honor you, Mr. Gandelman, for your work in the 2004 election?” he asks.

I read this and blush although, again, I still don’t know what I did…

But a FREE MEAL..Honoring ME in Washington???

Oh, rats! There’s a hitch:

He mentions that the dinner is “also about passing the President’s agenda over the coming year and building lasting Republican majorities in both the U.S. Senate and the U.S. House of Representatives.”

So to attend the dinner in my honor, he’d like me to buy a ticket for $2,500 “and a table of ten is $25,000. And seating is limited.”

But if I can’t attend this dinner partly in my honor, Frist notes, I can still be National Sponsor “or even join our select group of State Co-Chairmen!”

I can be honored by giving $150 or more — which will get me “a special limited-edition, individually signed and numbered personal photograph of President and Mrs. Bush as well as a silver National Sponsor Lapel Pin” making me as “a Bush-Cheney insider.”

WHOA! If I give $150 I’m a Bush-Cheney insider. I worked with people who spent years trying to become show biz or political insiders — but here I can be honored AND for just $150 become an insider.

If I become a State Co-Chairman, I get the photo, my “own State Co-Chairman Lapel Pin” and — best of all — “a special collector’s limited edition Presidential Plate for a contribution of at least $500.”

A Presidential Plate. It’s functional. I can eat my KFC on that!

Mr. Cheney and Mr. Frist: I’m DEEPLY honored. But I’m doing my shows, I’m a zillion years behind on my paperwork, I do this blog to maintain my (limited) sanity. I simply can’t get to Washington and pay the money to have you honor me.

Here’s an idea. I’d like to honor YOU.

You come to San Diego and for just $200 I’ll buy you a combination special at Julio’s Family Mexican Restaurant on University Avenue.

I would like to honor all of YOU: for providing me with so much material on this site…and so many laughs — especially when you make promises about trying to bring the American people together.

UPDATE: The Indepundit the ever-independent Citizen Smash got an identical letter saying Cheney was honoring him (and asking for money). And, like me, he’s not a Republican.

UPDATE II: We just got an email from a good friend in Texas who is a Democrat related to a very prominent Democratic lawmaker. It seems Dick Cheney wants to honor him, too!

Hey Joe,

I really don’t mean to burst your bubble, but I… a registered Democrat…got one of Dick’s letters too. Being a Democrat, a Populist, and an unwealthy small business owner, I never even thought of inviting Dick to come to San Antonio so I could honor him for a contribution. Oh well.

I will tell you that I feel much better about my invitation knowing that you got one too. I’d hate to think that the Republican money machine only messed up once. It also proves that they really don’t care who or what you are just so long as you ante-up.

What a great country this is!

Quotes from the Joint Staff

These are from someone who was actually on the Joint Staff at one point.
Prologue:

I was the Coalition Finance Officer for OIF at the CENTCOM Coalition Coordination Center. As a result, I worked with all of the coalition governments, our embassies, lots of people in D.C., and the other combatant commanders, especially EUCOM. It was a nice job in that I was the only person doing what I was doing, and my bosses didn’t really want to get involved with the money side of the house, so they pretty much let me do what I wanted, as long as I did it right. (At one point, I was making all these calls, making lots of “drug deals” on how to deal with a several hundred million dollar pot of money where there weren’t really any procedures in place on how to deal with it, and one of my co-workers said, “Why do I have a feeling that Oliver North started the same way you are now…”.) Anyway, I made it out with my integrity intact, and in addition to having a sense in having done a little good in the GWOT, I came out of it with a really great quote log.
I’ve hesitated to use it before, since a lot of the people quoted were probably still in their jobs, but I think most of them have moved on now, so I think I’ll share some of the more interesting quotes. If you haven’t been a staff officer, they probably won’t be as funny to you as they are to me, but trust me: they are funny.

Here’s a few :

“Things are looking up for us here. In fact, Papua-New Guinea is thinking of offering two platoons: one of Infantry (headhunters) and one of engineers (hut builders). They want to eat any Iraqis they kill. We’ve got no issues with that, but State is being anal about it.”
LTC (Joint Staff) on OIF coalition-building

“Our days are spent trying to get some poor, unsuspecting third world country to pony up to spending a year in a sweltering desert, full of pissed off Arabs who would rather shave the back of their legs with a cheese grater than submit to foreign occupation by a country for whom they have nothing but contempt.”
LTC (Joint Staff) on the joys of coalition building

“That was a typo. Instead of ‘pot of money,’ it should have read ‘pot money.’ It refers to money spent by OSD after smoking a joint. We have a similar fund we can tap into for financing many of our own ideas. In fact, that’s how we got the name ‘Joint Staff.’”
LTC (Joint Staff) in an email describing the amount of money available for use on a given project

Courage!

This is how I’ll always remember him.

How

Get Ready to Bend Over, Palefaces

I am giving you all fair warning. From now on, I will be blogging a lot of Native American issues. Because I, like my hero Ward Churchill, am now a Native American.

Ward got his Indian creds by asking some tribe or other for an honorary membership. I think he offered to clean up cups and doughnut boxes after one of their meetings, and they showed their appreciation by sending him a membership card. Turns out Bill Clinton has one, too. Actual Indians say Ward’s claim is about as reliable as a treaty written on a cocktail napkin, but who are they to judge?

I can top Ward. My grandfather was a Cherokee. Now, I grant you, he wasn’t my BLOOD grandfather. And he wasn’t a full Cherokee. But he had dark hair and he tanned like nobody’s business. And like all true Native Americans, he was a professional dry cleaner.

Also, on both sides of my family, there were horny old guys who left their wives for Indian women. I can understand that. My ancestors were mostly Celts, and after a while, the sight of all that pasty, freckled, dough-like flesh can drive you mad. My idiot sister likes to run around claiming that this makes us Indians, but the problem is, the family is pretty sure the Indian ladies came along after these gentlemen sired our forebears by fat, dumpy Scots-Irish broads.

Lame, I know, but compared to Ward, I might as well be Geronimo.

Okay, so the first order of business is to ream out you WHITEYS for keeping me down. You knocked down our teepees, you ate all our buffalo, and in return, you gave us swampland and poisoned whiskey. You better believe I am pissed.

I want white guilt and handouts, NOW. I want my damn land back. I’ll let you keep most of it. I want Manhattan and Vegas. I know, you claim you bought Manhattan for twenty-four dollars. Okay, smart ass, where’s your receipt? Right. That’s what I thought.

I’m turning Vegas and Manhattan into the United States of Steve. I’m going to be President for Life. My Vice President will be Wayne Newton. All you palefaces can get the hell out, except for hot white chicks and people who provide essential services. Like craps croupiers, bartenders, and pizza bakers.

I paid $80,000 in law school tuition. Obviously, I should have had a minority scholarship, so cut me a check. Also, I have paid like $70 for fishing licenses over the years. I should not have to pay good money to catch my own fish, which you Caucasian bastards stole from me. Aside from that, any anthropologist can tell you that before you jerks got here, we Native Americans used to go out in the Gulf Stream on forty-plus-foot fiberglass sportfishermen and celebrate our manhood and the summer solstice and whatnot by getting incredibly faced and clubbing school dolphin to death. By charging me for a fishing license, you are infringing my right to paint myself up like Pam Anderson and practice silly heathen religions.

That brings me to another important point. I want five grand to cover the money I’ve spent on liquor taxes. And no wisecracks about how we love our whiskey. Bigots. How would you like a nice flaming arrow through the front door of your condo?

Speaking of liquor, I got tanked last night, passed out in the yard, and went on a Vision Quest. As I lay under the gentle spray of the automatic sprinklers, my spirit guide appeared to me once again.

GEORGE HAMILTON: [wearing the familiar fuchsia Izod caftan with the blue alligator on the tit] Steve! It is I, your spirit guide.

ME: George! Could you roll me over? Driveway gravel is embedded in my face.

GEORGE HAMILTON: [waving his magic Martini] Steve, I am here to reveal your destiny. You will be a great chief. You will lead your people to victory over the White Man and build a chain of drive-thru casinos in partnership with the folks at Sonic.

ME: My secret dream! Topless showgirls, Keno, and Cheez Tots!

GEORGE HAMILTON: Your mailbox will overflow with government wampum! You will hunt out of season, using automatic weapons! Your sons and daughters will receive affirmative action at Yale and Harvard, where they will get A’s in puff majors like Ethnic Studies and Applied Lesbianism!

ME: Truly, I am not worthy. Well, yes I am.

GEORGE HAMILTON: The great Gitchee Manitou will rain blessings upon you even as the neighbor’s Weimaraner now rains tinkle on your inebriated forehead.

ME: [singing] Gitchee gitchee ya ya da da…Creole Lady Marmalade…

GEORGE HAMILTON: I must go now, as Liz Taylor and I are booked to share a tanning bed.

ME: As-salaam aleikum, my brother.

GEORGE HAMILTON: Whatever.

Okay, whiteys, time to pony up the jack. In return, I will spare you come the revolution, and I will honor you by deflowering your daughters. The hot ones with big tasty boobs, I mean. The rest will be put to work tanning my pelts and vacuuming my lodge.

And no turning Indian and horning in on my action! I thought of it first.

CBS Unable to Authenticate Soldier's Kidnapping

Here’s the AP Headline :

Claims of GI Hostage in Iraq Raises Doubt

A line from the story :

If proven a fake, Tuesday’s posting would not be the first hoax associated with kidnappings in Iraq…

And here’s the associated pictures :

Dan Rather is hoping for an interview with the family soon. See also TCP Iraq Article.

Michael Chertoff, Director Of Homeland Security, Who Is He?

So this fellow Michael Chertoff has been selected as the new Director of Homeland Security.

Lee from Right Thinking From The Left Coast asks "who?"

I thought the same thing. To fill us in on who this fellow is, we go around the web. These are only excerpts, you should really go read the whole entry.

Outside The Beltway

I don't know enough about Chertoff's history to know how solid a choice he is. His résumé is fairly impressive--a Harvard Law grad and former clerk for Supreme Court Justice William Brennan. The latter is interesting, as Brennan was perhaps the most liberal justice on the court during the 1970s and 1980s.

PoliBlog

Apparently, however, part of the new job description includes a bald pate and facial hair.

Maybe the President meant to pick this guy all along and told Card to "pick the bald guy with the mustache" and he accidentally got Kerik.

Michelle Malkin

Judge Michael Chertoff for DHS chief? It's good news. Yes, it is annoying to hear President Bush emphasize that Chertoff is "against racial profiling." But a look at Chertoff's strong, aggressive record and statements on homeland security shows that Chertoff supports exactly the kind of hard-headed, threat profiling measures and immigration enforcement opposed by the anti-profiling zealots.

Ramblings'Journal

Judge Michael Chertoff, the man who headed the Senate's Whitewater investigation has been tapped to head up the Department of Homeland Security.

Chertoff will replace the original choice of the White House, Bernard Kerik, who withdrew his name last month amid the emergence of his having employed an illegal alien as a nanny.

Rooftop Report

The five second version of the upcoming debate:

Right: He is great. The best person ever. He will own the position like nobody else could. If it wasn't this, we would elect him President.

Left: Leader of Homeland Security? Please, this guy can barely walk straight. He may or may not advocate torture, killing of puppies, and bombing of retirement homes.

SlantPoint

Who is Michael Chertoff? Former chief of the DOJ's Criminal Division, and most recently a judge (that skated through the Senate process 88-1) for the 3rd Circuit Court of Appeals. A living Law and Order guy I guess you could say.

So what have we learned by going around the web to find out who this guy is?

1) Lee at Right Thinking From The Left Coast doesn't know who he is.

2) He was a liberal justice in the 70's and 80's.

3) He is bald with facial hair.

4) Michelle Malkin thinks he's cute and approves of him.

5) Chertoff doesn't hire illegal aliens to be his nanny.

6) He can barely walk straight, likes to torture and kill puppies and on his off time bombs retirement homes, but he'd make a good president.

7) Unlike his former co-star on Law and Order, Chertoff is alive.

Originally posted at Diggers Realm

Arafat's Final Frontier

A stirring anthem in tribute to Yasser Arafat’s Peace Prize, his condition in the last few days, and the continued announcements that he was still alive.

From the crew of the Enterprise.

Palestinian Minister of Denial denies his recent appointment

RAMALLAH (Command-Post.org) - Minister of Denial Mohammed Durka spent his first press conference vehemently denying his recent appointment as Minister of Denial.

“I am not the Minister of Denial!” shouted Mohammed Durka to reporters. “There is no such thing as the Ministry of Denial! We deny any and all reports of its existence or my appointment as its minister!”

According to reports from unnamed sources, all of which were denied by Minister Durka at the press conference, The Ministry of Denial was formed by Achmed Queri and Mahmoud Abbas after they agreed that there needed to be a central authority from which Palestinian denials were issued. Both were concerned about a lack of credibility of their joint temporary administration due to a wide range of conflicting press reports and denials from various sources within their administration.

By centralizing the denial process, they are hoping to restore credibility in their authority, which will be crucial when Palestinian Authority and PLO Chairman Yasser Arafat is officially declared deceased.

Mohammed Durka is well-versed and experieced in the art of denial, having served at the United Nations as a cultural attache for several years. He then acted as a spokesman for Yasser Arafat’s varied and diverse security organizations, all of which he regularly denied were involved in terror operations against Israelis.

When asked about his plan to contain the damage from conflicting reports regarding Arafat’s near-death or his wife’s refusal to allow PLO figures to ascertain the situation themselves, Durka denied any such plans existed. “There are no plans! There is no Ministry! There is no Minister!”

Left Stepping up Efforts to Cut Off Nose, Spite Face?

Being Right This Often Almost Hurts

I finally figured out who Paul Krugman reminds me of. Have you seen the film Erik the Viking? It was actually pretty good, even though it featured Oedipus Tim Robbins. Who was the worst actor in the cast.

Anyway, it was about a bunch of vikings trying to end Ragnarok, which was a miserable period during which there was universal suffering and despair and the sun never shone. Sort of like the Clinton years.

The vikings sailed off in a little boat, with the intention of meeting Odin and having a chat with him. Much like Kerry calling Clinton in the hospital prior to his bypass.

There was one traitor in the crew; an arms merchant named Loki. He wanted to keep Raganarok going because it was good for business. Sort of like Michael Moore secretly rooting for Bush. Now, I don’t know if you saw this guy, but he was Krugman’s evil twin. Oops, oxymoron. Okay, “twin.” He was a weasely little guy who told horrendous lies while grinning hopefully and peering impishly at the suckers to see if they were buying it. If you’ve seen Krugman’s act on video, you will be stunned by the resemblance.

I realize LoTR fans will disagree violently, claiming Krugman is more like Wormtongue. However, Wormtongue stood up straight and bore a lot less resemblance to a young garden gnome. Look, I don’t care if you disagree. Go back to AIM and having cybersex in Elvish, you lunatics. I got your ring of power, and guess where I’m wearing it.

Today, Krugman is squeaking again, doing his valuable work for the GOP. He just wrote another blistering fantasy piece for the Times. The title? “No Surrender.” God, I love this guy. How much is Karl Rove paying him?

Yesterday, I correctly noted that benighted Internet socialists were predictably responding to America’s wholesale rejection of their twisted extremist values…by embracing those values even more tightly. This is like falling into the pool and asking someone to throw you a concrete lawn jockey. And Krugman is throwing with both hands.

Excerpt (swallow coffee now):

President Bush isn’t a conservative. He’s a radical - the leader of a coalition that deeply dislikes America as it is. Part of that coalition wants to tear down the legacy of Franklin Roosevelt, eviscerating Social Security and, eventually, Medicare. Another part wants to break down the barriers between church and state. And thanks to a heavy turnout by evangelical Christians, Mr. Bush has four more years to advance that radical agenda.

The guy who held onto Clinton holdover George “Dude, Where’s My WMD’s?” Tenet? A radical conservative. The guy who gave us increased socialism for wealthy seniors who don’t feel like paying for medical care? A radical conservative. The guy who infuriates Republicans by signing every spending bill he can get his hands on? A radical, radical, BAD old conservative.

But then to Paul Krugman, Barney Frank is a radical conservative.

Quoth Loki:

I don’t hope for more and worse scandals and failures during Mr. Bush’s second term, but I do expect them.

1. You damn well DO hope for them.

2. “More”? More scandals? Have we had a scandal YET? Well, there was the time Bush’s dog pooped on camera during a press conference. But so far, his administration has been marked by a conspicuous absense of scandal. Abu Ghraib? Is that what you’re talking about, Krugs? That’s not a scandal. That’s a military screwup. That’s the unfortunate nature of the armed services. Overall, they’re wonderful, but there’s a reason the acronym “FUBAR” originated among our troops.

The left has attempted to excrete a number of bogus Bush scandals, and so far, it has found itself woefully constipated. “Enron”? Uh, they made huge contributions to Democrats, including Joe Lieberman. And Terry McAuliffe made $18 million off of Global Crossing. “Yellowcake”? Turned out Bush was right about that, and Hussein had around 500 tons of the stuff.

Wait, maybe you’re talking about the Plastic Turkey. Which betrayed the left by turning out to be a real turkey. That was a real black eye for Bush, wasn’t it? The man picked up a decorative turkey and pretended to SERVE it, but he was really only HOLDING it. AHA! Impeachment? Screw that; let’s have a summary execution.

What? He didn’t pretend to serve it? The press made that part up? Um…ENRON! ENRON! CHENEY’S DAUGHTER IS A LESBIAN!

Ha! Talk your way out of THAT, neocons.

More:

Those people still have Mr. Bush’s ear, and his election victory will only give them the confidence to make even bigger mistakes.

Damn, I hope so. I hope he mistakes his way into another ten Senate seats. I keep hearing this sentence in my mind: “I was with them when they blundered into Berlin in 1918.”

Yet more:

One faction of the party is already calling for the Democrats to blur the differences between themselves and the Republicans. Or at least that’s what I think Al From of the Democratic Leadership Council means when he says, We’ve got to close the cultural gap.” But that’s a losing proposition.

You know it, Krugsy. Testify. You know who you need to run next time? Rosie O’Donnell and Ol’ Dirty Bastard. No, I’m not referring to Bill Clinton again. O’DONNELL/BASTARD ‘08! R. Kelly can be the new Secretary of Education. You know how he likes hanging around schools.

Can you believe this nut? He’s a gift straight from anthropomorphic, Judeo-Christian, Eurocentric, patriarchal, homophobic God. I’d trade ten Bill Safires for one Paul Krugman, and I’d throw in a six-pack of Cal Thomases. The Democrat Party is on life support, and Krugman is standing on the oxygen hose.

Here, look:

Democrats shouldn’t cave in to Mr. Bush when he tries to appoint highly partisan judges - even when the effort to block a bad appointment fails, it will show supporters that the party stands for something. They should gear up for a bid to retake the Senate or at least make a major dent in the Republican lead. They should keep the pressure on Mr. Bush when he makes terrible policy decisions, which he will.

Wow, Paul, how do you come up with these ingenious plans? Opposing conservative judicial appointees…it’s crazy, but they just might go for it! And running candidates for Senate…it’s so wacky, so unprecedented…the GOP will never see it coming! Hey, here’s a nutty idea: what if the Democrats nominate a candidate and run him for President! Don’t laugh! It could work!

It would be funny if the Democrats were responding to their third ass-kicking in four years by offering more of the same. But moving even farther to the left…that’s downright hysterical. If they keep it up, during the next round of elections, we’re going to see street nuts in San Francisco telling reporters, “We have to get rid of these liberal head cases before they ruin the country.”

No surrender, Paul! Stick to your guns! Well, you can’t have a gun, because you live in a hive of demented socialists, but you know what I mean. Stick to your rape whistle! Or whatever.

The problem isn’t the product, Democrats. It’s the customers. All you have to do is convince 60% of Americans to adopt a political stance that repels them the way success repels Bob Shrum.

Next time around, let’s not whine about left-wing PAC’s and 527’s. Let’s send them all the support we can. The lemmings are boogying into the sea to the derivative beat of Bruce Springsteen; let’s build them a nice ramp.

November Contest will bring Australia to a Stop

The German Picture Magazine “Bild” has covered the US election - and endorsed Bush.

The UK “Guardian” has infamously tried to sway the vote against Bush in a battleground state.

But neither the UK, nor Germany can possibly match the intense excitement that all Australians feel at what’s going to happen on November 2nd, 2004. This contest is one of the most important events this year from Australia’s viewpoint, and many Australians would say it’s more important than our own elections, held in October.

Australians everywhere will be glued to their TV sets and radios, and in this, one of the great gambling countries of the world, literally millions of people will be betting on the outcome. Some only a dollar, others (literally) millions. Virtually every Government and Commercial Office will be running sweepstakes on this crucial issue, who is going to win and by how much. It’s that important to us.

My personal prediction of the winner of the race ? Well, let’s put it this way : the winner will have a face like a horse, and not be from Texas. I’m not going for the favourite, as I think it’s way too close to call.






I’m going for Vinnie Roe, by a nose.

Oh yes, and in the other race that day? Hopefully, like the election we had that the MSM said was “too close to call”, the incumbent by a landslide. But I wouldn’t bet on it.

Brave New World (A Satire)

The following is a small extract from an article over at AEBrain, the Blog.

It helps when reading this to be familiar with the album “War of the Worlds”.

Now imagine a certain Democrat candidate for the US presidency singing it…

Take a look around you at the world we’ve come to know
Does it seem to be much more than a crazy circus show
Maybe from the madness, something beautiful will grow
In a brave new world, with guidance from the UN,
We’ll start… we’ll start all over again!
All over again! All over again! All over again!

The US domination of the Earth is fading fast,
And out of the confusion a chance has come at last,
To build a better future from the ashes of the past,
In a brave new world, with guidance from the UN,
We’ll start all over again!

Look, man is born in freedom, but he soon becomes a slave,
In cages of convention from the cradle to the grave,
The weak fall by the wayside but Progressives will be saved,
In a brave new world, with guidance from the UN,
We’ll start all over again!

I’m not trying to tell you what to be,
Oh no, oh no, not me…
But you’ll see at a glance, that we should learn from France,
They’re gonna have to build this world anew
And it’s going to have to start with the EU … OUI!

I’m not trying to tell you what to be,
Oh no, oh no, not me…
The proles with feeble SATS, they NEED aristocrats,
They’re gonna have to build this world anew
Yes and we will have to be that chosen few…

Just think of all the poverty, the hatred and the lies,
And imagine the destruction of all that you despise,
Slowly from the ashes the phoenix will arise,
In a brave new world, with guidance from the UN
We’ll start all over again!

Take a look around you at the world you’ve loved so well,
And bid that aging empire, AmeriKKKa farewell
It may not sound like heaven but at least it isn’t hell
It’s a brave new world, with guidance from the UN,
We’ll start, we’ll start all over again!
All over again! All over again! All over again!
I’VE GOT A PLAN!

It’s unfair, unjust, grossly exaggerated, satirical, and I fear all too accurate.

Dual-use technology

After accusations of allowing the UNRWA ambulances and resources to be used by terrorists to ferry gunmen and rockets throughout Gaza with impunity, UNRWA Commissioner Peter Hansen responded that it would be impossible for a rocket to be loaded into an ambulance with one hand and that it looked more like a portable stretcher.

It’s highly possible that both the Israelis and Peter Hansen may be right. The video that shows the equipment being loaded into the van, driven off, parked, unloaded, set up, launched, and then the van used to get away from the scene may be demonstrating a whole new technology developed by the Palestinians.

Behold, the Qassam Rocket-Powered Mobile Stretcher!

Palestinian Red Crescent partnerships with Magen David Adom require cooperation after terror attacks, but the roadblocks at Erez prevent scores of willing volunteers to pour into Tel Aviv, Sderot and Ashkelon after these attacks take place. Unwilling to be thwarted from lending a helping hand, Hamas and Islamic Jihad engineers have teamed with the UNRWA and ICRC to equip and train squads of Qassam Stretcher crews to launch these new rocket-powered mobile stretchers into Israel during terror attacks. First responders can now expect handy, ready-to-use foldable stretchers in the event of terror attacks.

Or so they thought. Their guidance systems are crude, and they tend to blow up on impact, but the Palestinians remain undaunted and are focusing on extending the range of these rocket-powered mobile stretchers to cover more of Israel. Once all of Israel is within range of these humanitarian supplies, they can work the bugs out of the guidance and explodes-on-impact-killing-more-children issues.

So three cheers for Peter Hansen and his UNRWA staff for hitting the blackboards and coming up with this new tool in the War On Terror! And shame on the Israelis for making snap judgements and assumptions about this mobile-stretcher launching technology meant to save lives instead of snuff them out.

Proof Kerry is Telling the Truth

Major Embarrassment for the Right

It turns out John Kerry is telling the truth about spending Christmas in Cambodia. A British journalist who worked in Cambodia in the Sixties has just come forward with a recording of the following popular Cambodian folk song:

Grandma got run over by a swift boat
Walking home from our hooch Christmas Eve
You may say Cambodia has no swift boats
But me and Aunt Teresa, we believe

[chorus]

She’d been smoking too much Thai stick
And we begged her to keep low
But she felt like skinny dipping
And she staggered down the bank
into the flow

[chorus]

When we found her Christmas morning
At the scene of the attack
She had Botox in her forehead
And incriminating ketchup
down her back

[chorus]

It’s not Christmas without Grandma
The whole Khmer Rouge is dressed in black
And we just can’t help but wonder
Is Lieutenant Kerry
coming back?

[chorus]

I’ve warned all my friends and neighbors
Stay inside, protect your health
They should never give a medal
To a man who flips his lid
and shoots himself

A Little Perspective

I found this cartoon from Salt Lake Tribune cartoonist Pat Bagley. It provides a little perspective, lest we all get carried away with our comments (me included). For what its worth.

Threats

CBC: Sharon survives no-confidence votes

Earlier on Monday, he threatened to call an election if members of his party block his efforts to form a unity government with the opposition Labour Party.

Israel is the only nation in the Middle East in which the head of state threatens to call elections.

Sometimes it's Just too Easy

John, You is my Man Now

From Hog on Ice.

Evidently, Whoopi Goldberg appeared at a Kerry fundraiser last night and repeatedly referred to John Edwards as “kid.” She said he looked like he was about eighteen years old. Meaning he would have been conceived at about the time Whoopi was making her last successful movie.

But Kerry defended him.

Said Kerry, “I have a man, Whoopi.”

At least he was nice enough to omit the phrase “unlike you.”

What fun is there in trying to turn Kerry and Edwards into the Ambiguously Gay Duo if they’re going to beat me to the punch?

At this rate, when they get into the White House, instead of Terror Alert Levels, they’ll be issuing Feng Shui Alert Levels.

WHITE HOUSE SPOKESPERSON CHRISTOPHER LOWELL: Thank you all for coming. I’m here to announce that we decided to go with teal wallpaper in the West Wing washrooms. And Helen, here’s a tip: red is not slimming. Yes? The reporter from The Advocate?

ADVOCATE GUY: The blintzes at the catering table are cold again.

LOWELL: Oh, honey, just have a biscotti.

Chevy Chase issued another sad reminder of his declining abilities. I used to think this guy was actually talented. Then he had a long string of really bad movies, and after that, there was his three-day-long foray as a late night talk show host. Do you remember that? Chase always had the pale, clammy, tremulous look of a tourist coping with a sudden attack of diarrhea. The flopsweat poured like rain.

CHEVY: We’re glad to have [looks at card] Fred Thumbelina as our guest tonight, fresh from a run at the Lake Tahoe Ramada Inn Rumpus Room…

FRED: That’s “Travalena.”

CHEVY: Oh, God. Oh, God. Sorry. There was [points] sweat on the…on the…

FRED: “Card.” Chevy, are you okay?

CHEVY: I…uh…I…[to booth] look, do you have to keep pointing that camera at me?

FRED: You’re the host.

CHEVY: Am I? I guess I am. And you’re not! [grins, waits…silence]

FRED: [helpfully] Ha ha! [coughs] Ha.

CHEVY: I’m almost positive I used to be funny. Wasn’t I funny? [to booth] Bernie, can I leave? I have a note from my wife.

FRED: Careful! When you shake you’re slinging sweat into my coffee.

CHEVY: I’m going to get up and fall down.

FRED: Guys, this is cruel. Can you just stop taping?

CHEVY: [walks out in front of desk, falls, looks around for response…silence] Look! I’m Gerald Ford! Gerald Ford! The President who used to fall down? [an egg strikes him]

FRED: [stands] I have to go do a bar mitzvah.

CHEVY: And now a message from the makers of Percocet. PAMPERS! PAMPERS!

[test pattern, tone]

Anyway, last night, Chase’s Sunday punch was, “This guy is as bright as an egg-timer.”

He gets invited to three things a year, he had weeks to prepare, and this was his ten o’clock song. How do you follow up a flop like that? I guess he’ll become a barker at a midget peep show.

I keep trying to make sense of it. Do egg timers have lights? Aren’t they usually little hourglasses?

Maybe Chevy has an illegal alien who times his eggs, and he’s not too swift. Maybe he meant, “This guy is as bright as my egg timer, Joaquin.”

Let me know if you figure it out.

Anyway, I really wish the Democrats would stop trying to help me. When reaming out moonbats ceases to be sport, I lose interest completely.

Publisher Revokes Hillary's Advance for Common Good

Publisher Revokes Hillary’s Advance for Common Good. (Humor).

“I recently discovered that I am partly Punjabi.”

If only life really worked like this…

- - - - - - -

- - - - - - -

Similar topic (kind of): my prediction for the Dem Veep sweepstakes: Sam Nunn. I, personally, think Sam Nunn would get Kerry many more southern votes (aka “NASCAR Dads”) than pretty-boy John Edwards. I think that, if Kerry picked Nunn, the GOP would go … “Oh crap.” I, of course, hope Kerry picks Ms. Sincere Punjabi Herself, Hillary “For the Common Good” Clinton.

Of course, a floor fight at the convention by the Deaniacs for the VP slot would be great fun too.

This is a duplicate of the original post on the nikita demosthenes website.

Damn Republicans

Mean-Spirited Conservatives at it Again

From Hog on Ice.

Look what I just found:

Too Many Minutes With Andy Looney

Gee, for years I thought it was just ME.

Andy Looney…I mean Rooney…has been on CBS forever. And he clearly must have a friend in high places at CBS since for years he has done his “humor piece” at the end of 60 Minutes. Now, I know he reads a piece, but I usually consider it a piece of something other than humor. But I thought it was just me. What do I know?

When I was a student aspiring to be a journalist, I’d read lots of books by columnists such as the late great Mike Royko. Now, in this post I’m using the “I” a lot, but you could always tell one of Andy’s “pieces” even if you quickly scanned it because he always uses the letter “I” repeatedly. We don’t have one of his books in front of us, but it’d read something like this:

I I I I paper clips I I I I I I administration I think I think I I I I I economy I I I I press relations I I I I I women’s lib I I I I I I

But you get the idea. Rooney was apparently amusing enough (must have been for his big bosses) to stay on the air for years talking about the minor irritations of life. But in recent years more than ever he has begun commenting on the bigger issues. And Heaven Forbid The Moderate Voice (my aka name..), who lived through the Vietnam War years, should make an insensative ageist comment, but let’s do it anyway:

Isn’t it time for Andy Rooney to move on, get off television, or be helped to move on (or kicked off)?

Perhaps he could be sent to Cuba and read his humor commentary to terrorist prisoners who are being interrogated. They would quickly confess.

It isn’t an age thing. It’s not a political thing. It’s an obnoxious thing.

Andy Rooney is to television humor what telemarketers are to dinnertime. Andy Rooney is to perceptive analysis what Jack In The Box is to fine cuisine. Andy Rooney is to laughter what an appearance by Osma bin Laden is to a Bar Mitzvah.

What provoked me to confess that I immediately switch off 60 Minutes because Andy Rooney is now the self-absorbed Bob Saget of the senior set is this item run by Seattle blogger Greg Piper:

Jeff Jarvis does a Mexican hat dance on the latest idiocy from cacophonous curmudgeon Andy Rooney, who said on the Don Imus radio show that American soldiers in Iraq can’t be heroes because they’re “victims” who “don’t have an occasion to rise to.” Why is CBS still giving this hateful harrumpher a paycheck?

We agree with Greg. Rooney is now out there in Dennis Kucinichland.

And just as amusing.

"I Want a REAL War Game..."

(cross-posted from Winds of Change.NET)

David Wong’s memorable and hilarious “I Want a Real War Sim…” is a darkly funny video-game rant that captures the state of modern warfare better than 99.9% of the news publications out there. His rant comes complete with altered screenshots from games like Command And Conquer, Starcraft, et. al. and begins with:

bq.. 1. …where I spend two hours pushing across a map to destroy a “nuclear missile silo,” only to find out after the fact that it was just a missile-themed orphanage.

I want little celebrities to show up on the scene and do interviews over video of charred teddy bears, decrying my unilateral attack. I want congressional hearings demanding answers to these atrocities.

2. On the very next level I want to lose half of my units because another “orphanage” turned out to be a NOD ambush site. I want another round of hearings asking why I didn’t level that orphanage as soon as I saw it, including tearful testimony from a slain soldier’s daughter who is now, ironically, an orphan.

It keeps getting better from there, bringing in CIA field agents, Starcraft monsters, Nude Zero-Gravity Futureball, ass-covering doublespeak - and of course, France - as it builds inexorably toward the Nicholsonesque rant at the end.

This one is destined to be a humour classic. Big Hat Tip to Winds of Change.NET reader Larry Ice for recommending it.

Iraqi Joke: Fast Bus to Heaven

This one comes from the Baghdadee forum, and is cross-posted today on Winds of Change.NET:

“Saddam’s Mosqu’s Khateeb “Shiekh Ali” dies and waits in line at the “Janna” Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy in casual shalwar (the loose outfit worn in the Middle East, Pakistan, et. al.). Malak (angel) addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Kaka Ali, Mini Bus driver from Kefri, Iraq.”

Malak consults his list, smiles and says to Kaka Ali, “Enter into the Kingdom.”

So the Iraqi driver enters Heaven and the Sheikh Ali is next in line. He stands erect. Without being asked, he proclaims, “I am Sheikh Ali Imam of Jama in Baghdad for the last 33 years during the Saddam God bless him!”

Malak consults his list and says, “I’m sorry, you’re on the waiting list. You have to pass some tests before you get entry to the Kingdom of Heaven.”

Shikh says, “Just a minute. That man was a Mini Bus driver, and you issued him instant entry! But I have to go through more tests. How can this be? Please double check the names.”

Malak says, “Up here, Imam, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

Rantisi's replacement, Take 2

Unknown Comic rejects offer from Hamas

BURBANK, CA (AP) - Veteran comedian Murray Langston has rejected an offer by Hamas to become the new leader of their organization in Gaza.

“They thought it was a perfect fit,” said Murray. “Unknown Comic, Unknown Terrorist Leader. But I took off the bag years ago, and people know me. And on top of that, I’ve got a wife and three baggies to think about.”

“Sure I could use the work, but the leader of a terrorist organization? I still have nightmares about Jaye P. Morgan, for crying out loud. I bomb on stage, not buses.”

When asked about Gong Show MC Chuck Barris’ alleged ties to the CIA, Langston had no comment.

Rantisi's replacement

New Hamas leader will be Halliburton contractor

DAMASCUS (AP) - In the wake of yet another assassination of a Hamas’ top manager in Gaza and the threat of a merger with the Palestinian Authority, Hamas political leader Khaled Meshaal announced that he would be contracting Houston company Halliburton, Inc. for the new Gaza regional manager role.

“After years of working with locally-trained executives with decreasing success, we’re bringing in outside talent,” he said from his bunker on the outskirts of Damascus. “Despite their primarily being involved in oil services and drilling, their security division is a perfect model for our resistance operations.”

The Houston-based company agreed, and a deal was made. “We have years of experience in placing individuals in positions of high risk in the Middle East,” said a senior Halliburton executive who wished not to be named.

The exact terms of the contract were not disclosed, but they were said to number in the millions of euros.

“And if it doesn’t work out,” said Meshall, “we can always take the infidel hostage and demand ransom.”

Code Yellow Plus?

AP: U.S. Transit Systems Increasing Security

Greg Hull, security chief for the American Public Transportation Association, said Friday the transit systems are at “code yellow-plus” following the bulletin about a possible terror plot from the FBI and the Homeland Security Department.

Wait… what’s going on here? What the heck is a Code Yellow Plus?

Is a Code Yellow Plus the same as a Code Orange-Minus, or are they like school grades where a b- is a C+ where you blow the professor in their office?

I thought that Tom Ridge was setting these things up like musical scales, where a B-sharp is a C-flat. That way, a Code Yellow-Plus is really a Code Orange-Minus.

Code Yellow is Elevated and Code Orange is High. What is Yellow-Plus? Escalated? Aroused? Antsy?

How about the color itself? Kinda-Yellow? Mellow-Yellow? Golderod? Cornsilk? Lemon Chiffon?

I think our anti-terror efforts to protect the trains is slowly but surely coming off of the rails.

Key endorsement for Lieberman

Joe Lieberman got another boost of “Joe-mentum” Thursday from a crucial endorsement:

Kerry Aborts Dean

Thank God it's Still the First Trimester of the Campaign

From Little Tiny Lies.

Zogby now says John Kerry's slimy tricks hard campaigning has worked, and Dean now trails him in Iowa. Tragic. I hope it isn't true. I was about to launch my "Republicans for Dean" site. I was really looking forward to seeing this guy debate Dub.

Dean: Americans don't need a President who's weak on security!

Dub: Roll the video of federal agents driving a Bradley Fighting Vehicle with Arabic markings past the sleeping guards at Vermont's only nuclear plant.

Dean: We don't need a President who is insensitive about race.

Dub: Roll the video of Dean's mom wearing her Chanel Imperial Wizard outfit.

Dean: We don't need a draft dodger in the White House.

Dub: Roll the video of Dean skiing after getting 4-F'd with a phony back ailment.

[Video rolls - we see Howard skiing down the slopes, waving a peace sign, wearing a shirt that says "Charlie Don't Ski."]

Dean: We don't need a snob in the White House.

Dub: Roll the video of young Howard forcing the servants to do his homework.

[Video rolls - we see a confused servant working on algebra while, in the background, Young Howard tap-dances up and down a set of stairs with Bill "Bojangles" Robinson.]

Bojangles: Yo' back sho' don't seem to hurt yo' tap-dancin' none, Massa Howard.

Dean: Like I said, vote for Bush.

It's amazing how liberals have turned on Dean. They're like shark pups, eating each other in the womb. Every day, we see a new negative story in the mainstream liberal establishment press. Is it because reporters are out there doing legwork, like they're supposed to? Of course not. Journalists are the laziest creatures in the universe. Reporters sit in their offices and let publicists feed them, and right now, flaks for all the Democrat candidates other than Dean are pumping them as full as pâté geese.

Supposedly, Kerry is behind a lot of it. Hey, I would be, too, if I had a multimillion-dollar mortgage riding on the race. Everyone who gets elected President ends up rich--independently so, not the way guys who marry ketchup heirs are rich--and Kerry knows that. It'll take longer to recoup that money as a mere Senator. Of course, he can always go home and earn the money lying on his back.

Paul O'Neill, Jilted Lover

What's Next? Dead Roses?

From Little Tiny Lies.

The left is mildly aroused over Paul O'Neill's vicious attack on President Bush. They're not HIGHLY aroused, because every time they get really excited about an apparent Bush scandal, it turns out to be a plastic turkey kerfuffle, they get humiliated, and to put it politely, the swelling quickly goes down.

Still, they like the O'Neill story. They kind of liked O'Neill anyway, because he flew around with that no-talent, one-name idiot, Bono, who wants us all to forgive third-world debt, but who doesn't seem too eager to donate his own millions.

It's a peculiar thing about the left. They love demanding higher taxes and bigger handouts, but you never see them donating money to the government on their own initiative. Warren Beatty said he thought 70% was a pretty reasonable tax rate. He's free to pay 70% right now; the government would be happy to take it. But Warren isn't offering.

I think he and Bono should do a modern-day version of The Millionaire. They'd be sitting around in their posh study, and suddenly the phone would ring, and it would be Lesotho, asking forgiveness for an enormous loan. Off would go Warren's and Bono's driver, with a big check in a pretty envelope.

Don't hold your breath, Lesotho. Go out and get a paper route.

Anyway, back to O'Neill.

I think everyone needs to try to imagine what it's like to be the Secretary of the Treasury and get FIRED. Okay? You've moved all your stuff into the office, you've gone to your college reunion and flashed a big bleached smile at all the losers...maybe you've even gone to your high school reunion and used the new job as an entre to boff a few of the hotties of your fevered youth. You've had business cards printed up, you've got new, government-issue stationery, you're flying around the world with a short, greasy, balding rocker who makes the kids think you're really hip...and then one day you open USA Today and find out you're unemployed, not because you chose to quit and go on tour, but because your boss thinks you're an idiot.

Your boss, the alleged 40-watt bulb who was supposed to be grateful to bask in the reflected glow of your genius, thinks you're too stupid even for government work. So you're out.

Now, what happens when you dump a girl? Does she run off to all her friends and say, "Wow, what a wonderful guy. I guess I wasn't worthy"? No. Here's what she says:

1. You are a loser.
2. She was going to dump you anyway.
3. You have a small penis.
4. She faked all her orgasms.
5. She's pretty sure you're gay.

Then she drives to your house late at night and breaks the radio antenna off your car.

Do I even have to tell you this? I have an ex whose idea of maturity and grace was to skip the state and try to force me to pay for her bar study loan. This was after she tried to cancel my hotel reservation for the bar exam. And I was REALLY NICE when I let her go. I was even nice to her when I located her and put the loan people in touch. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I tendered the olive branch, with sincerity. Now when she reluctantly communicates with me, she acts like I have SARS.

That's the state of mind O'Neill is in right now. He's so mad at Bush he gave his ghostwriter 19,000 documents to use to screw him. Do you know how many boxes that is? If I were representing a client and opposing counsel asked me to bring him 19,000 documents, I'd advise the client to forfeit. I'm not throwing my back out over one case.

O'Neill is probably so mad he has already gone through his photo album and cut Bush out of all the pictures. And he's probably very upset that the book has no chapter called "Bush has a Small Penis."

Let's look at O'Neill's claims.

1. Bush didn't ask many questions at cabinet meetings. He was like "a blind man in a room full of deaf men." Well, hell, forget impeachment. Let's go ahead and STRING HIM UP. I know there's something in the Constitution somewhere that says a President has to ask a certain number of questions at a cabinet meeting. If not, there damn sure ought to be. He needs to ask questions. Never mind that he's the most organized President in history and has been briefed up the ass every day since before he took office. Score one for Paul, if only because Bush hurt his feelings.

2. Bush planned to depose Hussein even before 911. Hello? So did Bill Clinton. Regime change was our official policy under Slick Willie. Some of O'Neill's "smoking pop gun" documents on this issue date back to 1998. I say impeach them BOTH. Oh, wait. We already impeached Clinton, and it didn't take. I guess the impeachment bounced off the protective layer of mucus. Never mind.

3. O'Neill never saw anything he would consider evidence of WMD. Since it would help Bush if he DID consider what he saw evidence of WMD, and since he hates Bush, and since he, O'Neill, is the one who gets to decide whether what he sees is evidence of WMD, you kind of have to admit the possibility that there might be a microscopic particle of bias here. If you were a suspicious person.

It's nice to know that O'Neill is a weapons inspector, a covert operative, an intelligence expert, and part of the Department of Defense. Up until now, I had the crazy idea that his job had something to do with the TREASURY. I guess this means we can go to Donald Rumsfeld when we want to raise hell about not being able to get Susan B. Anthony proof sets.

O'Neill's claim is couched in language that makes it clear exactly what we're dealing with: a very subjective opinion. If Saddam Hussein showed up on O'Neill's doorstep with a hydrogen bomb under each arm, O'Neill would invite him in and compliment him on his interesting new luggage.

Is that it? Is the show over? Nice job, Paul. Nice job, leftist handlers. NEXT.

Hey, February 2nd isn't far off. Maybe the left can catch Bush posing with a plastic groundhog.

Careful, my liberal friends. It might just be Helen Thomas.

Excellent Satire: Jimmy Carter's Hope - "Compassion for Mordor"

Jimmy Carter on the Lord of the Rings movies (it's "fictional but not false"):

* * *

* * *

For more Lord of the Rings humor, see:

The classic: "Frodo Baggins Charged With War Crimes:"

* * *

* * *

...and the all-Tolkien, all-the-time, satire site, Molly J. Ringwraith.

Who needs a palantir when you have a blog? Ok, ok - the Tolkien-geeky references will end for now - not.

Mordor's native Ringwraiths defend their homeland against the war of aggression waged by cowboy war criminals Frodo Baggins, Gandalf the White, Aragorn Elessar, and their coalition of the duped

Ahem. Which Ringwraith are you?

Wow. I'm the Witch-King of Angmar...

Which Ringwraith are You?
By Lisa

For those craving more Tolkien-geeky goodness, Andrea Harris opines on The Return of the King here.

Via Townhall, NZPundit, Cold Fury, and Molly J. Ringwraith aka Rainy Seattle Summer.

Hillary Apologizes for Incredibly Offensive Gandhi Remark

Or is that "Apu-logizes"?

From Little Tiny Lies.

Hillary Clinton is under fire for introducing a quotation by Mahatma Gandhi--the inventor of white rice--by saying he used to "run a gas station down in St. Louis." I don't know if she saw Howard Dean stealing her Queen of Tone Deafness crown and got jealous or what, but she really said that. Evidently, the amazingly weak joke was a poke at gentlemen from the Near East who run convenience stores. And they're not all that uncommon. We've all seen those little hand-lettered signs on the door: "No shoes, no dot, no service."

Hillary retracted the comment today, saying, "I apologize for making an insensitive remark suggesting that Mahatma Gandhi operated a gas station. I meant to say that he was a f___ing Jew bastard who wore diapers while working the counter at a Kwik-E-Mart. If my handlers come up with anything even more clueless and offensive that I can say later, I will notify the Jew-dominated press."

Howard Dean's mother was not available for comment, as she was busy having slaves apply a giant Confederate flag decal to the rear window of her pickup.

RNC chairman Ed Gillespie's response: "I'm confused. I thought WE were the party of racism. Clearly, Senator Clinton is attempting to triangulate and destroy our monopoly on intolerance. Oh, Strom. Where are you when we need you?"

RNC operatives suggested digging up late Senator Strom Thurmond, rigging him up with a harness, and having his body animated by a staff of puppeteers. Gillespie nixed the idea, noting that the GOP had already done that, beginning in 1990, and that they had only admitted he was dead because his head kept falling off the stick during filibusters.

During this special time, we'd like you to remember Jesus's trip to.....

...Iraq.

"Lock and load. We're going in!"

(More great South Park downloads are available here.)

Happy Holidays!

Queer eye for the murderous guy

Queer eye for the murderous guy

Things are tough down under

The New Zealand Government is for sale on e-bay.

Via Kiwi Pundit.

CNN's Bagman of Baghdad

When Saddam was captured, he had $750,000 stashed away with him. How much of that do you think was originally given to him by CNN's Eason Jordan for "access" to the dictator?

Since it's highly unlikely that Saddam will be allowed to talk to the press as long as he's still breathing, will Eason demand a refund?

New Evil Candidate Enters the California Recall

The Chicago Report is pleased to announced the addition of Qui Nguyen, budding playwright and humorist, to our team. Qui's column is entitled "Beyond Absurdity".

According to the latest polls concerning the Californian Gubernational recall election, the newly announced Republican candidate, Arnold Schwarzenegger, clearly shows a strong 85 percent lead in front all 193 candidates vying for governor's office.

However, in a shocking twist of events, yet another candidate with strong ties to the entertainment industry has filed to enter the governor's race, attempting to even out the Californian political playing field. And if any of the early polls are correct, it seems this new entry may just pull off toppling Mister Universe.

Spud McKenzie, former mascot for the Budweiser beer franchise, has just put his name down on the ballot.

Unlike Mister Schwarzenegger, who is often criticized by his Republican rivals as speaking in generalities and shying away the important issues, the party backing Spud tells the media that this is a candidate who will not skirt tale around the issues and will aggressively speak out on what he thinks is right.

When asked how he plans on balancing California's budget, Mister McKenzie enthusiastically answered with "Ruff, ruff, grrrrrrr, RUFF!"

His stance on abortion rights: "Ruff!"

His view on gay marriage: "Ruff!"

Finally, his position on gun control: "Ruff! BANK! Whimper. Ruff!"

Read the Full Article Here!

What exactly is an unarmed intifada?

Allison in her Unsealed Room asks:

You've got to love the fact that the Palestinians are going to announce "an end to the armed intifada."."

As opposed to some other, nice peaceful form of intifada?

There's a simple explanation to how the palestinians will manage to carry out an unarmed intifada while still maintaining their goal of eliminating the Jewish state from the Middle East, Allison. You see, tthey've all been learning Kung-Fu, Karate, Judo, and Ju-Jitsu so they can murder Jews with their bare hands and feet.

No weapons, so it's unarmed.

See?

GITMO

Manny Howard reveals a dark secret about our prisoners at Gauntanamo: they're gaining weight and getting free blue jeans. Oh, the horror!

Surprising New Allies in the War on Terror: Al Qaeda's Second-String Strategists

I Think We Killed All the Smart Ones

Originally posted at Little Tiny Lies. Please be aware that the author is not suggesting that suicide bombing is funny.

In the wake of last week's suicide bombings in Riyadh and Casablanca, intelligence agencies the world over are scrambling to gather information on the new, reconstituted Al Qaeda terrorist network. Al Qaeda's security measures have made it impossible for the West to pinpoint the hiding place of mastermind Osama bin Laden, but using an electronic eavesdropping device of my own design, the Fict-U-Lizer (patent pending), I have managed to record and transcribe a recent meeting between bin Laden and two of his henchmen.

SCENE: a damp, dark cave in Afghanistan. In a corner of the room stands a hospital bed containing the crumpled, bandaged form of terrorist leader Osama bin Laden. His head is in a partial cast which makes it impossible for him to speak.

ENTER Mahmoud and Naseem, two lower-level Al Qaeda operatives.

NASEEM: Is the great one awake? I am eager to tell him the wonderful news!

MAHMOUD: Silence, son of a dung beetle. We will wait until he rouses.

NASEEM: Your mother is a dung beetle.

MAHMOUD: Your father is a shabbos goy.

NASEEM: Perhaps he is your father, too. Ask your mother, the dung beetle.

MAHMOUD: I have your dung beetle right here. Lower your voice; Osama sleeps.

NASEEM: Osama will be so pleased! Knowing he inspires such devotion will help him forget he lives on diluted hummus pumped in through what once was his nose!

MAHMOUD: Naseem...

NASEEM: He will not mind the sacrifices. The eyepatch, the skin grafts, the missing buttock, the adult diapers...

MAHMOUD: Naseem!

NASEEM: The news will make him forget! Just as his head injuries made him forget how to make chraa on his own, in a proper squat-toilet instead of wherever he happens to be at the time.

MAHMOUD: Do not make me strike you.

NASEEM: [Standing by Osama's nightstand, he fingers an Arabic translation of Mein Kampf. He gives it a sudden push, sending it to the floor, where it lands with a bang.] OOPS!

OSAMA: [He wakes.] MMFF! MMFF! [Looking around wildly with his remaining eye, he uses his good arm to claw at the bed's rails. Believing the B-52's are back, he is determined to hide under the bed.]

NASEEM: Look, Mahmoud! He cannot wait to rise and fight the infidels! [He sniffs.] Say, Mahmoud, do you smell chraa?

MAHMOUD: [Draws back his hand and smacks Naseem on the back of the head.] See how you startled him?

NASEEM: Ow!

MAHMOUD: Blessed one, we bring good news! I know you were worried when the bombers came and killed every one of your lieutenants who could read, and you were forced to promote those of us who had been recruited to dig latrines and throw ourselves on stray cluster bombs. But we have risen to the occasion! Al Qaeda is reborn! We have resumed our campaign of holy hatred! Once again, the intestines and mangled torsos of the faithful are raining down among our enemies! Our suicide bombers are back at work! Praise Allah!

OSAMA: [He is dressed in a hospital gown and adult diapers made by duct-taping together Huggies decorated with smiling ducks and bunnies.] MMF! NNNG! NNNG! [He waves his good hand back and forth in a gesture clearly meaning "no."]

NASEEM: Look, Mahmoud! He says, "No! No! No more good news! I cannot bear it!" I know, o seed of the Prophet! Your joy is so great, it cannot be contained!

OSAMA: [Flops back onto his pillow.]

MAHMOUD: Great imam, the news is even better than you think! Before, we sent our bombers to Israel and America, to kill the Jews and Christians. Now, we send them into the hearts of Islam's great cities, to slaughter those who have not helped us enough!

OSAMA: [Turns his head and stares at Mahmoud in horror.]

NASEEM: Yes, great leader! This week we bombed the treacherous Saudis and Moroccans! Wise is Allah, and terrible is his hand, Al Qaeda!

OSAMA: [Raises his hand and slaps the plaster covering his forehead.]

MAHMOUD: Yes, imam, the Saudis and Moroccans helped us, but not enough. They sent us money. They armed our men. But they lined their pockets with dollars and paid lip service to the Western pigs. We rewarded them for their treachery by blowing their body parts as high as the minarets of a mosque.

NASEEM: I guess we showed THEM, eh, imam?

MAHMOUD: We would like to bomb the appeasing, boot-licking Syrians as well, but for some reason, we are now having a cash-flow problem.

NASEEM: This morning when I opened the mail bag from our chief fundraiser in Saudi Arabia, I was surprised to find that it contained his severed head.

MAHMOUD: We suspect some sort of woodworking accident.

NASEEM: But we fixed the problem. Prince Abdullah called this morning.

MAHMOUD: I know, I know. You are afraid your unworthy servants have claimed the credit for themselves. Naseem and I would never betray you so! We would sooner be bar mitzvah'd and vacation in the Catskills!

NASEEM: We told him the bombings were the work of our great master, Osama!

MAHMOUD: And he said he wanted to come in person and give you "what you have coming."

NASEEM: Some sort of prize, we think. Perhaps a hot tub.

MAHMOUD: Or a cruise!

NASEEM: And we wanted to make sure you would get your reward.

MAHMOUD: So we told him where you were staying.

OSAMA: [Whimpering noises.]

NASEEM: Look, Mahmoud. Tears of joy.

MAHMOUD: We should really spruce up the cave for his visit. Perhaps some balloons. What do you think, Naseem?

NASEEM: Can we have ice cream?

MAHMOUD: Perhaps an ice cream cake in the shape of a Q'uran.

OSAMA: [Gestures to Mahmoud.]

MAHMOUD: What do you wish, o lion of the desert? You wish me to come to your side? [He walks to the bedside.]

OSAMA: [Yanks Mahmoud's revolver from its holster, presses it to his temple, and pulls the trigger repeatedly, only to hear a series of clicks.]

NASEEM: Look, Mahmoud! He wants to be a martyr, too!

MAHMOUD: My master, your guards made me leave my ammunition with them at the door.

NASEEM: You can't be too careful.

MAHMOUD: But be of good cheer! Soon your turn will come.

OSAMA: [Nods morosely.]

NASEEM: Do not worry, your seventy-two virgins await, and they are taking excellent care of your ears and missing buttock, which have preceded you to Paradise.

MAHMOUD: O, lucky, lucky buttock.

NASEEM: And ears.

MAHMOUD: Indeed, the ears are lucky as well.

NASEEM: And the eye.

MAHMOUD: Yes, Naseem, and the eye.

NASEEM: And the nipple which was torn off by shrapnel.

MAHMOUD: Clearly, Naseem has forgotten his pills today.

OSAMA: [Sobs quietly.]

MAHMOUD: He weeps for the fallen.

NASEEM: Perhaps he weeps for the nipple.

MAHMOUD: Truly, Naseem, the midwife should have thrown you to the jackals and kept the placenta.

At that point, the batteries for the Fict-u-lizer went dead, and I was forced to cannibalize a pair from my motorized, talking Donald Rumsfeld bobble-head. But it was too late; the meeting had ended.

This correspondent promises to stay abreast of related developments. Encouraged by Al Qaeda's clever new strategy of bombing nations whose citizens have given them financial support, State Department officials have reportedly offered Al Qaeda money to cut out the middleman and simply bomb themselves.

Reliable sources say Al Qaeda's leaders are stalling while they try to figure out the catch.

Music From Hell Torture Suggestions

The bit about Americans using heavy metal and Barney the Dinosaur music on auto-repeat in order to break Hussein's henchmen has triggered a lot of commentary in the blogosphere.

Charles of Little Green Footballs threw out the challenge, and asked "what else should they use?" The pitiless Green Horde wasted no time in coming up with answers, proving once again that Allah's justice works in strange and mysterious ways. Command Post readers have offered their own suggestions, but there was no focused effort and so LGF's Green Horde is ahead at the moment.

For a listing of some of the top eeevil music entries so far, and an opportunity to submit your own Music from Hell, come visit Winds of Change.NET. Think of it as your personal contribution to the war effort!

You knew this would come

I haven't seen this anywhere, but I'd be shocked if I'm the first person who's thought of the idea...

cross-posted at Arguing with signposts...

UPDATE: I listen to readers! A new version of this with Laura Bush instead of Kelly McGillis is up at this entry on my site.

Norman Mailer

Hi, I'm Norman Mailer's liver. Yes, I know, you thought I was dead. Well, I ought to be, all the alcohol he's ran through me over the years. But, I got friends and connections, and that helps. Gore Vidal's prostate, good friend. Cell phone's always on. Then there's Helen Thomas's vagina. What can I say? If it can manage, so can I. We cry on eachother's shoulder a LOT, I tell you, a LOT.

So, Norman's writing in the Times of London and it's something. He stopped bending his elbow long enough and scribbled down something or another about the war to liberate Iraq. As far as I can make out, it gave him a hardon or something. And while I don't talk to his penis all that often, I gotta say, it's the first one I've heard about in a LONG while.

You know, he used to write a lot of good stuff. Lately, ugh, dreck. It's like he's a parody or something. Hey... you don't suppose he's one of those pod people? I'm just a liver, I don't get out much.

So he writes about how America picked on Iraq, and Bush is SO predictible. And it was all about the economy, and machisimo and white male ego or something. Like Norman never experienced machisimo and white male ego. He's an expert, so, gosh, he must be correct, right? Like I said, I'm a liver, what do I know?

Oh, shoot, here he goes again. Another Scotch and soda and it's only 10 a.m. I miss the old days, when he'd stop drinking to have a fist fight once in a while. Or maybe get laid, yeah, those were the good old days.

Antique Roadshow in Baghdad

MODERATOR: Welcome to the "Antiques Roadshow." Today finds us in the cradle of civilization as we bring our panel of experts to the banks of the Tigris. Here, at the Baghdad Marriott, we'll pore through the possessions, both priceless and worthless, of this proud civilization. Our first stop is with Alistair Hall-Doyhe, expert in Western Asiatic antiqities at Sotheby's, who visits now with Baghdad resident Hasan al-Majid. . . .

Psy-ops revealed!

Andrew Northrup gives us a peek at US Special Forces psy-ops tactics, such as:

3. Many efforts were made to damage Saddam's self-esteem, in hopes that it would make him a less effective leader. It culminated with a secret operation where Charlize Theron (my ex-girlfriend, if you must know) pretended to *like* like Saddam, and went out with him a couple of times, but, just before the ground invasion began, revealed that she was put up to it, and she could never really like a fat old mustache-sporting freak like him, and called him "Sad-dumb Hussein". At that exact moment, specially-trained covert-ops soldiers pulled down Saddam's pants and took a picture of his butt, and posted it all over Baghdad with a rude caption saying "weapons of ASS destruction". And when he started to cry, the entire US Senate will broadcast a message to him on closed-curcuit TV asking him if he wants to cry, if he would please cry just for them, and if he likes to cry like a big ugly baby with no friends. (Note: rumor has it that this plan almost failed when Charlize Theron realized that while pretending to fall in love with him, she really did love him after all! Ms. Theron was neutralized, and the operation was completed by Ashley Judd.)

What did Jacques and George chat about?

Jim Treacher has a transcript. (Rated PG for Language)

Why we IT geeks are always patching Microsoft stuff

As someone who's constantly having to patch security holes in Windows, Internet Explorer and especiall the IIS web server, I began to wonder just what kind of idiots they have working in develpoment in Redmond. Now you'll all know why.

Iraqi Information Minister: "Had Enough?"

Baghdad Bob Demands Unconditional Surrender

Cross-posted: Little Tiny Lies.

BAGHDAD (April 11) REUTERS - Today Iraqi Information Minister Saeed "Baghdad Bob" al-Sahaf surfaced briefly to announce that Iraq's Republican Guard had succeeded in conquering the U.S., the United Kingdom, Australia, two of Jupiter's moons, and the fictional Republic of Elbonia, made famous in the comic strip Dilbert.

Al-Sahaf apologized to reporters for starting his press conference at noon, explaining that he had spent the night in a Ba'ath Party brothel being serviced by Diane Sawyer, Posh Spice, and dozens of Elbonian "comfort girls." Said al-Sahaf, "They are plain compared to the beautiful women of Baghdad, but we improve them by treating their upper lips with Minoxidil."

Al-Sahaf again denied that coalition troops had ever entered Iraq, stating, "The Coalition is on the verge of surrender. I know this because this morning, I myself spoke with your President Sheen."

At that point, a trembling aide whispered briefly in the ear of al-Sahaf, who then chased him around a Bradley Fighting Vehicle, slapping him with his beret.

"Bush Done Stepped to Our Game and Got Owned."

Acknowledgment: Ronald McDonald idea courtesy of Kathy Kinsley of On the Third Hand. I don't Agonist other people's stuff.

Picture of the day (again)

...Priceless

Sahaf's true identity...

Sorry, this guy keeps me in stitches. The real Mohammed Sahaf?

compare with an earlier photo here:

Coalition to Bust Bunkers With Revolutionary Weapon: Neil Cavuto's Head

Iraqi General: "Worse Than Being Smothered By Louis Rukeyser's Underpants"

Cross-posted: Little Tiny Lies.

BAGHDAD - April 9 - (REUTERS) - Today Donald Rumsfeld revealed the coalition's newest weapon in the quest to crack Baghdad's few remaining bunkers: Neil Cavuto's enormous head. "We plan to put laser guidance on it and drop it repeatedly from a B-1B," said Rumsfeld, "We had hoped to limit collateral damage, but with a weapon this big, damage to neighboring buildings will be unavoidable."

From his office at Fox News headquarters, Cavuto said it was an honor to have his Brobdingnagian melon used as an instrument of liberation. "Every cloud has a silver lining," said Cavuto, "I wish I had foreseen this day when I was a child, standing in my parents' home while my brothers and sisters stood on scaffolds slowly lowering my winter hat."

While on loan to the Air Force, Cavuto's head will continue delivering scathing editorials eviscerating the French and Germans. Says Rumsfeld, "We plan to embed a seasoned video crew in his nose."

Asked about the risks of using an untried weapon in a crowded city, Rumsfeld admitted, "We're very concerned about its tendency to roll. If we drop it on sloping ground, there's a very real threat it will careen through Baghdad in a horrific real-life parody of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Oh, the Humanity: Air Force Begins Operation Cavuto Drop

Secret photos of volunteer transports

Cairo - More than 4 500 Egyptians have volunteered to fight the United States-British coalition which is swiftly taking control over Iraq, the national bar association which is organising recruitment said on Tuesday.

As the fall of Baghdad appeared increasingly likely, dozens of people still struggled to put their names down on forms which have been available at the offices of the lawyers' grouping since Thursday.

Independent Online South Africa via The command post

Here's a photo of one of the buses used for the trip:

Iraqi Information Minister Increasingly Peeved By Disrespect

"Allah Has No Patience With Grab-Ass."

Cross-posted: Little Tiny Lies.

BAGHDAD (April 8) REUTERS - Today Iraqi Minister of Information Saeed al-Sahaf lost his composure over an apparent prank played by American troops. Photos follow below.

Monday's press briefing:

Tuesday:

According to al-Sahaf, coalition practical jokes had had no effect on Iraq's lightning conquest of the United States and Great Britain, "Allah rot their pimpled loins." Al-Sahaf noted that Iraq's Republican Guard had taken over the entire city of Washington "and parts of neighboring Oregon."

When asked if he was aware that Oregon was on the other side of the continent from Washington, D.C., al-Sahaf turned to a terrified aide and began beating him with a microphone stand.

A modern-day Chitty Chitty Bang Bang ... "Jailed Iraqi children run free as marines roll into Baghdad suburbs"

From Yahoo News:

BAGHDAD (AFP) - More than 100 children held in a prison celebrated their freedom as US marines rolled into northeast Baghdad amid chaotic scenes which saw civilians loot weapons from an army compound, a US officer said.

Around 150 children spilled out of the jail after the gates were opened as a US military Humvee vehicle approached, Lieutenant Colonel Fred Padilla told an AFP correspondent travelling with the Marines 5th Regiment.

"Hundreds of kids were swarming us and kissing us," Padilla said.

"There were parents running up, so happy to have their kids back."

"The children had been imprisoned because they had not joined the youth branch of the Baath party," he alleged. "Some of these kids had been in there for five years."

The children, who were wearing threadbare clothes and looked under-nourished, walked on the streets crossing their hands as if to mimic handcuffs, before giving the thumbs up sign and shouting their thanks.

Via Yahoo News and Instapundit.

So, Dick Cheney was right after all.

Is it just me, or does the above tableau sound eerily like the climactic scene from the movie Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? In the movie, Caractacuts Potts (Dick Van Dyke), helped free the children of Vulgaria from the evil Baron Bomburst (Gert Frobe). The children and their families quickly took up arms to help defeat Baron Bomburst's forces.

So ... that would effectively cast Saddam Hussein as Baron Bomburst, and Tommy Franks or George W. Bush as Caractacuts Potts - the Dick Van Dyke character.

If this doesn't make the liberals (and the Europeans) see the morality of our cause, then I don't know what will. I mean, sheez - Dick Van Dyke is beloved by millions, for Pete's sake. Hmmm. Maybe Willy Wonka can provide some insights...

More fun with Chitty Chitty Bang Bang casting:

Truly Scrumptious (Sally Ann Howes): Laura Bush

Grandpa Potts (Lionel Jeffries): President George Bush (41)

Baroness Bomburst (Anna Quayle): Saddam's wife, Sajida Talfah

Toymaker (Benny Hill): Hmmm. Khidhir Hamza? See Saddam's Bombmaker

Child Catcher (Robert Helpmann): Tariq Aziz

Jemima (Heather Ripley): Jenna Bush

Jeremy (Adrian Hall): George P. Bush

... and the car - Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? Hmmm. How about a super-modern Stealth Fighter?

Wow. I feel a complete Republican musical coming on...

al-Sahaf lining up new clients

Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, still Iraqi Minister of Information (we think), announced today that he is taking on new clients.

al-Sahaf has formed a corporation, We Mean It, We've Got Video Ltd., "as a side project, while I'm not informing reporters about the ignoble defeat we are giving to the Americans and British infidels."

We Mean It, We've got Video Ltd. has not announced an official list of clients yet, however, sources close to the information minister who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the client list includes some heavy hitters.

The biggest name in the bunch is the tobacco industry.

Sahaf is reportedly already handling accounts for these companies, since they have provided him with so much of his own methodology in handling pr crises.
"Smoking does not cause lung cancer," Sahaf told the press. "Smoking increases your health."

Other clients are noted below with Sahaf's initial comments about each new client:

Michael Moore: "'Bowling for Columbine' is a documentary. The Oscar proves that Michael Moore cannot lie about this thing. Soon, everyone will see that Michael Moore is right about everything."

the Dixie Chicks: "Natalie Maines is a very intelligent, shrewd marketing mind. Dixie Chicks albums are literally flying off the shelves as Americans of like mind with the Iraqis protest the evil dictator Bush."

the American anti-war movement: "The peace protesters are peaceful. They would never discriminate against zionists. People are rapidly turning on the administration in this war."

The Agonist: "Sean-Paul Kelley did not plagiarize. He wrote all those articles himself. I have tape."

Jerry Kraus of the Chicago Bulls "Michael Jordan was nothing special. We did not need him in Chicago. His performance in Washington proves that it was the Chicago uniform that made him the legend he was."

talks are still underway with the country of France. Jacque Chirac has reportedly been very impressed with Sahaf's "grasp of reality," sources close to the French president told this reporter.

"Clearly, al-Sahaf has a firm understanding of the issues that confront the larger global community," Chirac is reported to have said. "In this, we speak as brothers."

Hussein, Sons Killed Again

If We Kill Them Enough, Eventually it Will Take

Cross-posted: Little Tiny Lies.

According to MSNBC, we killed Saddam Hussein and his sons yet again today, dropping a hearty serving of bunker busters on a residential neighborhood where we thought they were staying.

In a hastily called press conference, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said, "I know we killed them before, but when we saw the chance to kill them a second time, we had to take it. It was a twice in a lifetime opportunity. If they force our hand, we may kill them a third time or even a fourth. We will kill them to death. We will kill them to tiny pieces." General Tommy Franks, present via satellite phone, added, "Personally, I just never get tired of killing those son of a bitches."

Rumsfeld to Hussein: "Take that, bitch."

You don't say?

William Safire devoted another Sunday Times Magazine language column on military terms. Did you know that the word surrender comes from the French words "se rendre"? As Johnny Carson used to say, I did not know that.

Iraq Info Minister: Invasion of US Going Well

Berkeley Liberated; Saddam Dating Britney Spears

Cross-posted: Little Tiny Lies.

Iraqi Information Minister Saeed al-Sahaf spoke to members of the press today, denying again that Iraq had been invaded and claiming that over the weekend, Iraq's Republican Guard had conquered the United States of America.

In weeks past, al-Sahaf spoke to reporters from a podium in Iraq's Ministry of Information. Today, he spoke from behind a stack of feed sacks at his new "branch ministry," a hastily converted chicken coop behind the suburban home of his cousin Raheem.

Said al-Sahaf, eyeing the sky warily for drones, "Our troops, who are so tricky they should be referred to as the whoopee cushions and exploding cigars of Allah, have landed on the infidel's shores and liberated millions of unwashed, pig-feet-sucking Americans."

Over the happy squeals of an overjoyed Peter Arnett, Al-Sahaf said Saddam's Republican Guard landed at Jones Beach, not far from Manhattan, and marched into the city, rescuing scores of falafel-cart operators who had recently been victims of severe verbal abuse. From Manhattan, Saddam's troops marched into Berkeley, freeing legions of fat dateless girls in prairie skirts. They then marched to President Bush's Crawford, Texas, ranch, where they short-sheeted the beds and made dozens of long-distance phone calls.

Asked how the Iraqis had marched over 5,000 miles in a day, al-Sahaf turned to an aide and slapped him forcefully on the back of the head.

Iraqi Info Minister: "Now that our troops have liberated the United States, we can get some proper raping done."

Al-Sahaf continued to maintain that US troops had never entered Iraq. He claimed he himself had entered Kuwait on Saturday and personally slaughtered a hundred thousand U.S. Marines with the stick from a shishkebab. Asked how he penetrated the tightly guarded border, al-Sahaf raised his fatigue pants to reveal a dazzling pair of ruby slippers. Bidding the press an abrupt farewell, he began clicking his heels together and muttering, "There's no place like Tikrit."

Some half an hour later, a still-mumbling al-Sahaf was hustled into his "limousine," an ambulance decorated with pictures of grinning smurfs.

The mother of all enterprise applications

John M Ford reports on Electrolite that Microsoft Corporation today announced a high-level arrangement with the U.S. State Department to restructure postwar Iraq as a Windows-based application.

The project, known as the Very Large Application Development In Multiple Iraqi Regions [VLADIMIR], would organize the country into a set of departments, or folders, linked by e-mail, instant messaging, and streaming video. The temporary occupation government would rule through a simple point-and-click interface.

Arnett Finally Out of Closet; Reports For Arab TV

Blames Firing on Jews, Romulans, Trilateral Commission

Cross-posted: Little Tiny Lies.

Unsatisfied with his new position as Middle East Correspondent for the Cartoon Network, "Baghdad Pete" Arnett has moved on to greener, if more arid, pastures. Today the Associated Press reported that he had finally done the inevitable, taking a job with an Arab network. Industry insiders regard the change as largely symbolic. Arnett has been working for Arabs for years; the only difference is that now they're paying him.

Arnett Learns of NBC Firing

When contacted by Little Tiny Lies, Cartoon Network CEO Snagglepuss refused to comment, muttering, "Exit, stage left." To his own reporters, however, Snagglepuss remarked that Arnett would be missed.

Cartoon Network CEO Snagglepuss: "Heavens to Murgatroyd! We'll be sorry to see Peter go! Leave, even!"

From here on out, Arnett will be reporting for Al-Arabiya, a Dubai-based satellite channel.

Demonstrating the disarming candor, keen perception, and rigorous objectivity for which Arab journalists have become legendary, Al-Arabiya's editor-in-chief Salah Nejm told the Associated Press, ''I think he is unbiased and has a lot of experience." Nejm went on to say that camels lay eggs, Iraq is actually a planet, and Dick Cheney can fly when no one is around to see.

Cheney: "You just have to think happy thoughts."

[Humor] - Decisive Bush victory over Hussein predicted

[Humor] BUSH WINS!

Saddam "Rage Monkey" Hussein, defeated. Film at 11.

I've got your military analysis right here, pal.

A man with a plan

"What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;" -- William Shakespeare

The "unconventional" attack

[I mistakenly posted this on the news side...this is where it belongs. Sorry, Alan and Michele].

A caller on the Neal Boortz show stated earlier that he's figured out what the "unconventional" Iraqi attack is going to be tonight. He said it will be Iraqi soldiers wearing their military uniforms and not hiding behind women and children human shields.

Ohhh, baby...

I couldn't resist posing this...I don't know how many of you have seen it on the video clips shown on Fox News. They've been showing some brief clips of troops firing large ground-based artillery guns. At one point, they get a close up of the upper half of the barrel as a shell is fired in a burst of flame and smoke. Clearly visible on the barrel shart, in white chalk:

$ Shot

Who says our fighting folks don't have fun on their minds?

Another Map from Geraldo

Geraldo has been having some trouble getting his maps out of Kuwait. They are being screened, for some reason. Luckily, he was able to sneak one to Madison Slade through his shoe phone.

I don't want to get off on a rant...

Dennis Miller was on Leno tonight and really went nuts. I've gotten into the blog-u-cast habit from covering the Pentagon briefings so before I knew it I started covering this as well.

Miller was pretty out there. I think he's going to make many people in Hollywood upset, but he was in the zone. I'm not sure I can do it justice, but here goes. But first we had....

Leno's monologue: There was another war casualty today -- the French were injured when they jumped on our bandwagon....Saddam said he has no fear of the US Army --of course not -- he's dead!...They think Uday and Qusay have scrammed-ay...I was in Circuit City today -- saw Geraldo pretending to report from Iraq...You notice we started winning as soon as Geraldo left? Tuesday Iraq switched to daylight saving's time -- don't they have more important things to worry about? Shoot -- Ahmed -- we lose 1 hour of bombing today

Dennis Miller is here tonight..you know that he's been supporting the troops, supporting the war and supporting the president. And he calls himself a celebrity!

Dennis Miller: War coverage? I cannot tell you how proud it makes me...I watch the we handle ourselves over there -- I've never felt so patriotic in my life.

About the war... there are four types of people against the war:

1. Pacifists -- sincere but they have Amish tourettes syndrome. But at least they are consistent, you have to respect them.

2. The Hitler crowd: For them everyone is like Hitler. Ashcroft is Hitler, Rumsfeld is Hotler Cheney is Hitler Bush is Hitler...everbody is Hitler except for the one guy with a mustache whose idea of fun is dropping people into the wood chipper...

3. The guys with an agenda ..Tom Daschle...Nancy Pelosi I call them the elite democratic guard.. I'm not sure that Pelosi is going to work out -- her eyes say that even she looks surprised that she got the job.

4. The fourth group is the flat out yahoo protestors who will protest anything...thye'll kick out a Gap one day, protest the war the next -- like the guys who can;t get an acting job so they overproduce their answering machince message...

War protestors are just putting duct tape accross their mouths so I can still tell them to blow out their ass!

Dixie Chicks -- they may as well open up the tour in Basra -- what a surprise -- making fun of the President in a foreign country during wartime pisses off the nascar crowd..surprise...I fell sorry for the other two who are just trying to make music and have to deal with the middle one... maybe Jeff Foxworthy can show up in concert wearing a fez...

Michael Moore: How can such a big guy be such a small man.. why are you even showing up to get an oscar -- isn't that the quintessntial American hood ornament? At least Eminem had the guts not to show up....Michael moore will tell us how much he hates this country...he hates this, he hates that..he tells us we're naive...he tell's us we're sheep... if my yawn got any bigger they'd have to assign it a hurricane name..

I'm for this war...we need to protect ourselves...we need to show the world.. it is time to circle the SUV's...we've been a long family car ride...we had to pull the car over and the bad kid is gonna get the spanking of his life...we waited too long on the Nazis...history repeats itself...history repeats itself...People whine that the war is taking too long! After 2 weeks ...it took Joe millionaire 8 weeks to pick Zora....and he didn't enter her Baghdad..don't worry our boys are kicking ass and taking hyphenated names

I want to thank the president and thank the troops for doing the hard job, so people like us can do the easy jobs -- like doing the Tonight Show... god bless them.

Video Latency

By now we're all used to the delay between the time that the U.S. based network anchors ask a question and the time a reporter in the field can answer. I never realized how delicious it could be.

Geraldo Rivera, now reporting from Kuwait, was prattling on and on. Shepard Smith had some breaking news that the coalition forces had captured Saddam airport. He tried to interject but Geraldo kept on talking. So the producers just cut the sound to Geraldo while he was blathering and switched to the breaking story. At the last moment I think that I caught a look of bewilderment on Geraldo's face as they cut away. The perfect TV moment.

Where's Waldo?

Do you all hear about Saddam's latest statement?

Press Release: TSA Prepares Baghdad Airport

U. S. DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY
Transportation Security Administration
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
April 03, 2003
TSA 04-03

Privacy and security are equal priorities of the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) as it takes over security at Baghdad International Airport today with 5,000 newly-hired federal employees, Adm. James M. Loy, TSA administrator, said today.

New regulations implement a dress code for all TSA employees at the Baghdad Airport. As uniforms were distributed, new employees were strongly encouraged to turn in personal security devices such as Kalashnikovs, AK-47's and RPGs.

Adm. Loy has also issued a statement clarifying eligibility for TSA-provided daycare for dependents of TSA employees: "At this point, human shields do not fall within the federal definition of 'dependents eligible for government daycare'. However, we are aware of ACLU concerns about this policy, and will review it carefully with Congress."

Careful writing about bores

Is it OK to write a funny column about the war? Michael Kinsley tests the waters:

Frustrated by heavier-than-expected resistance from Iraq's elite troops, U.S. President George W. Bush authorized today the use of what many consider to be the ultimate weapon of mass destruction: bores. Even as the president made his announcement at a brief -- though it seemed lengthy -- appearance in the White House press room, the skies over Iraq turned a dramatic light gray as thousands of bores dropped from American warplanes. Parachuted -- along with several "embedded" columnists and TV commentators -- into clusters of Iraqi troops and Baathis officials, the American bores immediately launched into discussions of whether it was likely to rain and heated debates about which teams might make it into next year's Super Bowl. The effect was devastating. "The pointlessness of discussing the possibility of rain in the middle of the desert in the beginning of the summer has long been known to make this an especially powerful weapon for use in the Middle East," said a Pentagon official who asked not to be awakened. "But today we confirmed that talk about American sports can be an even more effective battlefield weapon because it is devastatingly boring to foreigners, while Americans actually find it stimulating."

Hmm... Either it is too soon to write a funny column or Kinsley just isn't funny. Or is it just that I don't get it? You decide.

Flak Jackets

Enough with all those silly questions that Torrie Clarke has to answer about progress on the battlefield. Amy Finnerty looks at the reason Clarke has really been catching flak -- her fashion choices:

Like a hothouse flower growing in a bed of moss, Victoria Clarke, the Pentagon spokeswoman with a penchant for nonregulation attire, has been attracting admirers and puritanical detractors. It's hard to believe, but the Defense Department reportedly has had to waste time fielding comments about the assistant undersecretary's jackets. The impressive Ms. Clarke delivers her crisp war briefings while seeming oblivious to the fact that she's wearing chirpy violet, preppie pink-and-green, or Mondrian color blocks from the neck down.

Women in public life are more likely than men to be judged by their appearance. Hair alone could be the subject of a poly-sci dissertation (Margaret Thatcher's hair spray and Hillary Clinton's headband come to mind). On the surface, there are exceptions to this gender divide, but they don't really hold up.

Al Gore was ribbed for overthinking his wardrobe (remember all those low-contrast suit-and-tie combinations?), and President Bush's penchant for cowboy accessories is viewed by some as downward striving (for political effect). But purely visual fashion disasters are rare and morally neutral for men in public life; Brooks Brothers just doesn't make men's suits in magenta. For men, in fact, being too pulled together can be suspect. But for prominent women, every innocent fashion misstep is harshly judged. Even Mr. Gore's casual-dress phase was blamed, fairly or not, on a woman, who was said to have been his image adviser.

Iraqi Info Minister: Hussein Living it Up at Orlando Resort

Too Busy for Scheduled TV Appearance

Cross-posted: Little Tiny Lies.

Today, groans erupted throughout Iraq as Saddam Hussein failed to show up for a much-touted live TV appearance. Instead, Minister of Information Saeed al-Sahaf appeared and read a letter drafted by the low-profile despot. A transcript follows.

Al-Sahaf: Our fearless leader Saddam Hussein regret he not be here today, and he provide letter which I now read to you. "Dear Subjects: Hi from Uncle Saddam in sunny Florida. I fine, not being turned into lumpy pulp by puny cruise missile or anything like that. Hoping you are same. Uday and Qusay here too and send hugs and kisses. Uday say he miss him 'peeps' and hope to rape them again real soon.

I not know what are 'peeps.'

Sorry I not there in person. As you know, this spring break, and I not letting vacation be ruined by silly infidels, Allah rot their intestines and Lyme disease ticks feed on their prostates. When invasion start, kids and I already booked for trip to Florida, and you know what it like to exchange nonrefundable ticket. I try. I hold bloody phone for hours waiting for Expedia customer service, listening to bloody Bee Gees, but finally I lose patience and shoot phone.

We fly to Fort Lauderdale and Delta lose bloody bags. May thousand djinns dance in their sphincters with football shoes. Girl at counter offer $750 per bag, like that going to pay for new anthrax and AK-47. I want to shoot her, but Qusay not let me, and besides, AK-47 on way to Denver.

This all I need after twelve hours of Uday asking "are we there yet?" until Saddam's ears bleed. And Uday and Qusay fight whole time. "Papa, Uday make faces at me." "Papa, Qusay touching me." Ymam tell Saddam not to marry niece, but Saddam, he young, he know everything. He now sorry for shooting Ymam in knees.

Bloody uniforms gone, so Saddam go to Ron Jon's and buy day-glo baggies with large flowers. Clerk say Saddam 'styling.' Refuse to take Baghdad Express Traveler's Cheques because not know what 'dinars' are, but Uday staple clerk's zib to counter, and clerk change mind.

Saddam and boys take in wet T-shirt contest. Like very much, but Uday pout when not allowed to rape contestants. When return to Iraq, plan to celebrate easy victory over swine-eating infidels with nationwide wet burqa contest.

Soon tire of Fort Lauderdale and college girls who say we too hairy. Go to Disney World, home of famous large rat who wear suspenders. Mr. Toad's Wild Ride make Uday cry, but he feel better when he learn Mr. Toad not real and not eat him. Try to go on 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, but it closed again. Always same story. Qusay eat too many frozen bananas, have to make chraa behind Country Bear Jamboree.

Saddam see war news on Yankee cable and hope you not watching. All lies. Saddam complain to hotel staff because no have Al-Jazeera, voice of truth. Thank Allah for Peter Arnett. He tell it like it is. But for some reason, Saddam not see him much lately.

Saddam and boys see you soon, hope to torture and murder many who try to help coalition. Meanwhile, please fight hard and help Saddam's friends who minding store 'til he get back. Not take them prisoner, slit throats, hang in square by their ayirs. That make Saddam very mad.

Saddam send picture. Hope you like. XOXOXO. Death to the Great Satan, Bush, etc. etc."

Al-Sahaf displayed the following snapshot, which some reporters suspect has been altered:

Other reporters were suspicious because Hussein mentioned rides which closed during the first Bush administration. However Peter Arnett, now Baghdad correspondent for the Cartoon Network, immediately transmitted a report describing the letter as "genuine" and "moving."

Al Gore Defends Dixie Chicks

Yahoo's Launch music web site quoted Al Gore defending the Dixie Chicks: "They were made to feel un-American and risked economic retaliation because of what was said. Our democracy has taken a hit," Gore said. "Our best protection is free and open debate."

WSJ Online's James Taranto explains it best: "So Gore's position is that the Dixie Chicks have the right to say whatever they want, but those who express their disagreement, either verbally or through their choice of music to purchase, are a threat to democracy."

(Reuters) Iraqi ambassador to tour Catskills, make jokes

The title is not accurate, but the report 'Baghdad Envoy Plays a Prank' is:

A couple hundred thousand troops have invaded his country and his capital is under daily airstrikes, but that didn't stop Iraq's ambassador to Russia from getting into the spirit of April Fools' Day on Tuesday.

At one of his now-daily news conferences, a steely-faced Abbas Khalaf Kunfuth read what he said was a news flash from Reuters: The Americans had accidentally fired a nuclear missile into British forces, killing seven.

After a shocked pause, the still-steely faced Abbas revealed it was all a joke.

Ka-ching.

Some Questions For Peter

Hey, Peter:

In the interest of good journalism, I'd like to subject you to some of the same kind of questioning you usually reserve for U.S. generals.

You said, "There is enormous sensitivity within the US government to reports coming out from Baghdad. They don't want credible news organisations reporting from here because it presents them with enormous problems." Are you implying that every other journalist in Iraq is incompetent and not credible?

You later said, "Overnight my successful NBC reporting career was turned to ashes. And why? Because I stated the obvious to Iraqi television; that the US war timetable has fallen by the wayside." You claim youstated the "obvious." Can you please give us some hard evidence, not merely your opinion, that the Coalition timetable has been disrupted? Were you given the privilege of seeing the Coalition war plans?

Can you please tell us which military officer or government official made the claim that "America would be in Baghdad by the end of March?" Is this actual fact or merely your assumption based on your observations?

In the first Gulf conflict, you received a lot of criticism for interviewing Saddam Hussein. In 1998, you falsified a report that Special Forces in Vietnam used Sarin gas, a report for which you were reprimanded by CNN. Given such incidents, please tell us why readers should believe you are, as you say, "telling the truth?"

In your piece to the Daily Mirror, you wrote, "Some reporters make judgements but that is not my style. I present both sides and report what I see with my own eyes." If that is the case, can you explain to our readers how your comments to Iraq television presented the Coalition view of the war?

Iraqi television is state-run and well-known as a propaganda tool for Saddam Hussein. When you agreed to the interview, did it ever enter your mind that your comments might be used - in context or out - as just more Hussein propaganda?

It is obvious that your plan to discredit the U.S. and de-legitimize the war isn't working. Are we to assume from this that you'll be rewriting the truth for your new employer?

(All quotes taken directly from Peter Arnett's piece in The Daily Mirror).

Separated at birth

Via VodkaPundit

Overheard in Baghdad

Ground Intel Sources Record Conversation

Corpsman: BRING OUT YOUR DEAD! BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!

Qusay Hussein: Here's one.

Corpsman: Nine dinars.

Saddam: I'm not dead!

Corpsman: What?

Qusay Hussein: Nothing. Here's your nine dinars.

Corpsman: Here! He says he's not dead.

Qusay: Yes he is.

Saddam: No I'm not.

Corpsman: He isn't!

Qusay: Well, he will be soon. He took a cruise missile right in the shorts.

Saddam: I'm getting better!

Qusay: No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.

Corpsman: I can't take him like that! It's against Sharia!

Saddam: I don't want to go on the cart!

Qusay: Oh, don't be such a baby!

Corpsman: I can't take him.

Saddam: I feel fine!

Qusay: Well, do us a favor.

Corpsman: I can't.

Qusay: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.

Corpsman: No, I've got to go to the Aziz's. They've lost nine today.

Qusay: Well, when's your next round?

Corpsman: Thursday.

Saddam: I think I'll go for a walk.

Qusay: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Look. Isn't there something you can do?

Saddam: [singing] I feel happy. I feel happy. [Qusay looks around; Corpsman unholsters CZ75. TAP TAP.]

Saddam:

Qusay: Allah be praised. Thanks very much.

Corpsman: Not at all. See you on Thursday.

Qusay: Right. All right. [Humvee rolls by with disguised George Bush at wheel] Who's that, then?

Corpsman: I dunno. Must be a President.

Qusay: Why?

Corpsman: He hasn't got s___ all over him.

Cross-posted: Little Tiny Lies.

Second Iraqi Ministry Leveled

Saddam No Longer Silly Walk Power

Tonight the Pentagon confirmed that coalition bombers have succeeded in leveling Iraq's Ministry of Silly Walks.

"It's a major coup," said Secretary of Defensiveness Donald Rumsfeld. "The Iraqis have had limited success with their Vespa tanks and diesel-powered jump jets, but as anyone who has seen the fedayeen marching can tell you, their silly walk technology is second to none."

Asked what the U.S. was doing to close the silly walk gap, Rumsfeld said, "We've drafted special operatives from the entertainment community. Had we been forced to go toe-to-toe with the fedayeen goose-step, we were quite prepared to unleash eighties breakdancers Shabadoo and Michael 'Boogaloo Shrimp' Chambers, not to mention Michael Jackson and the fat guy who played 'Rerun.'"

Bone-Chilling Look at America's Silly Walk Arsenal

Of Jackson, who wears a prosthetic nose, Rumsfeld said, "He said he wanted to do it 'for the boys.' Whatever, Mr. Potato Head. We just wanted you to get out there and spasm with the rest of the freaks."

Added Rumsfeld, "Of course, once they served their purpose, we fully intended to kill them."

Little Boy and Fat Man: Jackson Gears Up For War With Depleted Uranium Codpiece

Cross-post: Little Tiny Lies.

Iraqi Info Minister Threatens Press With Heat Vision

Coalition Leaders Targeted With "Mighty Feces"

Early today, coalition cruise missiles slammed into Baghdad’s Ministry of Information. Coalition sources claim the building sustained tremendous damage. However, Iraqi Minister of Information Saeed al-Sahaf, pictured below, denies the claim and asserts that Iraqi engineers diverted the missiles to Washington, where they leveled the White House, two reform synagogues, and a store selling Honey-Baked Ham.

Al-Sahaf: "Invasion? What invasion?"

"Verily," said al-Sahaf, "Allah has smitten the head of the great serpent, and bloody great boils shall arise on its hindparts. The infidels shall taste the dung of misbegotten goats, and their leaders shall wallow face-down in our mighty feces. They laugh with the tongues of hyenas, but soon the venom of scorpions shall swell their miserable bollocks."

Asked to clarify his remarks for the rubes, al-Sahaf stated that there were no American troops on Iraqi soil, but that he had crossed into Kuwait on a magic carpet and personally killed two thousand Marines with a Swiss Army knife.

When pressed for details, al-Sahaf stormed away from the podium and threatened to melt the assembled press with his heat vision.

Cross posted: Little Tiny Lies.

Support Our Protestors!

Iraqi paramiltary feces fired machine guns at fleeing civilians in Basra as America waited for demonstrators to flood the streets in protest of the atrocities.

And waited.

Despite their legendary, even mythical concern for Iraqi children, ANSWER, CAIR, NION and the rest remained silent. For once.

However, other groups of dedicated young activists vowed to show their concern by holding violent counter-demonstrations. These violent, shadowy groups go by various names, including the "British 7th Armored Brigade" and the "335th Expeditionary Fighter Squad".

Basra City-councilman Bob Muhammed said "I may not agree with these protestors' point-of-view, but I'll defend their right to say it." He was immediately taken outside and shot.

Rumsfeld reacts to white house pool questions

exclusive photos from the Rumsfeld press conference this afternoon show a very "upset" sec'y of defense.

What, you need commentary with this too?

We Have Their Skis!

Quick Humor Break--
FoxNews crawl just reported AP: COALITION FORCES CONTROL MORE THAN A THIRD OF IRAQS TERRITORY AND 95% OF ITS SKIS

Spelling IS important.

Get your A$$ on that street.

Protest for Peace, or Else!
(Thanks to Michele for the photo).

Some media translations

I've managed to traslate some of the common termonoloy we've been hearing in the media, in order to assist with everyone's understanding of what's really happening. I've added a post on my site to explain it all. I also invite additions to the list and we'll update the glossary accordingly.

The Borowitz Report

Another link from InstaPundit (they are all so good today): Satirical wire reports. Some headlines:

U.S. SUCCEEDS IN TOPPLING CONNIE CHUNG
Regime Change At CNN ‘On Track,’ Rumsfeld Says

IRAQ BROADCASTS HALF-EATEN SANDWICH TO PROVE SADDAM IS STILL ALIVE
But Former Mistress Doubts It Is Saddam’s Lunch

ARMY UNIT UN-IMBEDS GERALDO
Franks: Army ‘On Track’ to Remove Annoying Correspondent

FRANCE VETOES CHEMICAL WEAPONS FIND
Chirac Vows to Say No to Everything, Forever

U.S. Drops Very Stupid Leaflets

Not Sure What the Purpose Is

From Little Tiny Lies.

The struggle, Day by Day

Chris Muir's cartoon Day by Day is a great daily commentary on the war, the Home Front and anti-war protesters. Check it out.

Humor: U.S. Iraq Incursion to Be Supervised by Martha Stewart

As long as I'm subjecting you to humor pieces from my blog, I thought I should post this.

Tyranny and Atrocities No Excuse for Bad Manners

Loyal reader Aelfheld sent me a link to this story today. You've probably already heard it. U.S. soldiers on their way into Iraq have been directed to remove U.S. flags from their vehicles in order to avoid offending Iraqis.

I flew over this morning and got an exclusive interview with Marine Master Sergeant Tyrone Windcheater, currently stationed somewhere in the desert near the Kuwait border, where disgraced housewares icon Martha Stewart has been conscripted to improve the social graces of our troops. Many things were on Tyrone's mind.

LTL: First of all, Sergeant Windcheater, why the obsession with good manners?

TW: It's all new to me, sir, but as Mrs. Stewart explains it, you only get one chance to make a good first impression, so we have to be on our best behavior toward the Iraqis while shattering their bones with jacketed rounds and using incendiary munitions to set them on fire.

LTL: Any examples of forbidden behavior?

TW: We had a bunch of giant styrofoam "We're Number 1" fingers. She made us burn those. And no flipping Iraqi patrols the bird.

LTL: Why not?

TW: She says it's tacky.

LTL: What's the story with the flags?

TW: The old bitch...I mean "Mrs. Stewart"...says the flags make this look like a hostile invasion.

LTL: As contrasted with?

TW: A slumber party with tanks.

LTL: What's that fabric attached to your Bradley Fighting Vehicle.?

TW: A dust ruffle.

LTL: Do you really think white with broad blue and yellow stripes is a good idea when you're trying to stay camouflaged?

TW: She had this little man with her--"Renaldo"--he kept saying he was going to plotz if he saw any more earth tones.

LTL: You have to admit, it looks very smart.

TW: Sir, I have a loaded sidearm.

LTL: Has Mrs. Stewart affected your ability to handle prisoners?

TW: We can't.

LTL: Why not?

TW: Can't feed them. The doilies are still in Diego Garcia. And Mrs. Stewart says the vichysoisse is the wrong temperature. Renaldo tried it and started shrieking in Spanish. He threatened to hit me with his shoe.

LTL: What happened?

TW: You'd think a big dry espadrille would be hard to fit in a small cavity, but amazingly, I felt no resistance.

LTL: Puzzling.

TW: Sir, unless you have more questions, I have to go now and supervise the placement of our drums of potpourri. Mrs. Stewart put me in charge of feng shui.

LTL: You know a lot about feng shui?

TW: At first I thought she was talking about the little dog Renaldo carries around. But they gave me some handouts.

LTL: Can you think of any reason other than good manners why you might have been ordered to take down your flag?

TW: No, sir. I'm pretty sure they know who we are. I think the leaflets gave us away.

LTL: They definitely know you're not French. Good luck, Sergeant Windcheater.

TW: [reading from card] Thank you, sir. It's been a pleasure speaking with you today. We simply must do this again some time...

LTL: Just go.

TW: Thanks, man.

I can't speak for every American, but I, for one, am pleased to know that, while we may blow Iraqis' arms and legs off and leave them blinded and maimed, we're going to do everything possible to avoid hurting their feelings.

Clearest sign Allies are winning war

Robert Fisk calls Iraq war a "quagmire."

Humor: Muslims Protest Invasion of Iraq

In view of the fact that the Arab League has decided Saddam is their pal, I thought I'd move this here from my blog.

This is the Kind of Stupidity and Blindness We Are Up Against

I woke up this morning and turned on the news, and one of the first stories I saw was about Muslims in various places doing the dignified, persuasive "jumping up and down and hooting" thing, protesting our invasion of Iraq. It's like Tae Bo without spandex. They should pass out Powerade and play Pink and Las Ketchup.

Let me root out a few representative stories. Google News is a wonderful thing, if you, like me, are good with Boolean searches. I'll try to leave out stories about our astoundingly stupid American protesters. Liberalism and mindless kneejerk responses go hand-in-hand; there's no need to explain. Let's look at protests by very non-liberal Muslims instead.

Here's a fine example, from The Washington Post. Peaceful protests throughout Asia. At least they're peaceful. They're peacefully shrieking that we should all die painfully and go to hell and be tormented with flames and sharp sticks. Locations named: Pakistan ("Waiter, I thought I said 'spicy'"), Indonesia (goldmine of astute political commentary), Malaysia (I think we import vibrators from there), and Bangladesh ("Light Rain Falls on Bangladesh, Thousands Feared Drowned").

Here's another one, from Newsday, whatever that is. Protests in Jordan (home of the Jordan almond), Yemen ("Gateway to Nothing"), our tiny so-called ally Bahrain, and, well, the usual list of Fourteenth-Century Reenactment enthusiasts.

Palestinians are protesting. No surprise there; they're opportunistic imbeciles without a grain of integrity among them. I can imagine the kind of in-depth thinking they're engaging in before taking to the streets and doing the Angry Muslim version of Jazzercise.

Hameed: [hopping from one foot to another and waving his hands] AIYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY say, Achmed, what are we protesting?

Achmed: AIYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA DEATH TO THE GREAT SATAN I think they opened a new Walgreen's in Hebron.

The amazing--no, "sad and predictable"--thing about this is that these size-five-hat-wearing poli. sci. pundits are protesting an end to the persecution of Muslims. Saddam has killed more Muslims than bad falafel. His boys are torturers, murderers, and rapists, and just about all of their victims are Muslims. Who are the Islammiest Muslims of all? The holy rollers of the Middle East? The Shiites (pardon my language). Under the Hussein regime, Shiites are considered a cheap source of protein for cat food.

Here's a nice quote from the Newsday story: "'Why are we angry?' asked Mohammed Bassam, 22, repeating the question. 'We don't believe that Bush is caring about the lives of Iraqis, or the lives of Palestinians. We cannot change the problems of our two peoples, but we can show that we don't believe what the American government is saying.'"

My God, does Sheryl Crow have relatives over there? "Why are we angry?" Because you're stupid. Glad to clear that up for you.

Bush doesn't care about the lives of Iraqis? Mohammed, sweetheart, were you in a coma when Hussein killed a hundred thousand of them? And are you aware of the price difference between ordinary bombs and the laser-guided marvels we're using in order to avoid killing civilians? I wish I had a room full of those bombs. I'd sell them to the Air Force for ten cents on the dollar and retire.

I am reminded of the story I heard from a guy who was in Special Forces in Vietnam; it was also made famous in Apocalypse Now. We went in and vaccinated the children of Vietnamese villagers, and right after we left, the NVA came in, rounded up the children, and sliced their arms off. The guy I talked to said when he went back, he saw mothers holding their children's raw stumps against the cool mud of a river bed, to ease the pain. The NVA didn't care that we had done something good for these children. All they cared about was the source.

Don't know if that's true or if it's something he went around saying in order to get laid, but these idiots holding protests in all these silly little countries are no better than the North Vietnamese in the story. They might feel differently if Uday Hussein were rounding up their twelve-year-old sisters and raping them, the way he does [did] the twelve-year-old sisters of Iraqis. They might feel differently if their versions of Islam were made illegal in their countries and their governments sent out chemical-equipped aircraft to spray them like roaches.

Now I wonder, are these people worth liberating? Will they toe the mindless Angry Muslim line, or will they bear grateful witness to the humanity and generosity of the nation that set them free and gave them dignity? I hope it won't be Somalia all over again. Remember what P.J. O'Rourke said? "Somalis are all assholes." Okay, I can't find the quotation, but I know he thought it. Feed them, free them, die for them, and they reward you by blowing your sons' helicopters out of the air and then showering them with bullets. I wonder if that's the kind of gratitude we'll see in Iraq.

Or will it be more like Japan? Will we put them back on their feet and make them prosperous and secure and then find them to be staunch allies?

Funny, you bomb the brave, dedicated Japanese, who were willing to die rather than surrender, and they stick by you through thick and thin; you save the French from their own cowardice and weakness, and they can't even be civil when you buy a Big Mac at the Champs Elysees McDonald's.

Tell you what, you chanting pinheads in Bangladesh and Malaysia and Indonesia and all those other disease-incubating, 37-life-expectancy, 2%-literacy-rate, sister-raping, Jew-hating, no-freedom-of-thought-having demi-countries: you stand in the sun doing the I Hate Bush mosh pit thing, and we'll free your Muslim brethren.

And when you come back later to complain about the way we did it, we'll have plenty of cruise missiles waiting for you. Maybe we can make one that homes in on thirty year olds who can't tie their shoes; if so, God help you.

The 5000 feathers

A British newspaper enacts a large-scale editorial comment on the French.

Can You Hear Me Now, Saddam?

Photoshopped Bush-Saddam telephone exchange here. (Received via email)